February 5, 2010

Another cinema experience

My friends (especially Miss L - who has been waiting patiently for this post) will tell you that I have strange and quite ridiculous habits when it comes to the cinema. I love going to the movies, it's one of lifes greatest pleasures for me. If you click over to the movies category there on the right hand side of my blog, you can read all about my obsessive, slightly neurotic tendencies.

There are certain rules that must not be broken. These include:-

1 Do not sit next to me. I only go to the cinema alone.

2. Don't sit behind me and open your crinkly chips in my ear.

3. If there are vacant seats, don't sit in the rows directly in front, directly behind or directly across from me, because that will piss me off. Go find a seat up the back.

4. Don't friggin talk during the movie, and for all you teenagers, don't friggin text.

5. To the cinema staff - let me watch the final credits. I paid for the entire movie and I'll be damned if I have to leave before finding out who played that guy who was shot in the opening scene.

The joke, now among my friends is that I take two handbags - one for each side of me, so no one will sit next to me. This is because I like my personal space.

So I took myself off to the movies last weekend to watch the 3 hour epic Avatar. I'm not even going to link to this film, because if you are not familiar with it, you are either dead or under a rock.

I had all of my supplies - my two handbags, my food (I always take food in because I will not pay $12.00 for watered down coke and some expensive MandM's), my water, my phone turned to discreet but vibrate and I was set.

Because this is such a popular film, the cinema was very busy. I made my way to my usual seat (half way down on the right two seats in) and got settled. Two adults and their spotty teen excused their way into my row, but that was okay because there was a seat between the teen and me. God help him if he starts to text.

The movie began and away we went. Half an hour into it, a man and his mother (yes I said mother) came in looking for two seats in the dark. Where did they stop? Directly in the isle I was sitting in.

So they stood there in everyones way, looking around, exclaiming that they couldn't find two seats anywhere. I pretended I wasn't there, by covering my face with my hand, kind of like when an ostrich hides his head in the sand and he thinks he is invisible to everyone...that's what I was trying to do.

But it didn't work. He sat his mother in the seat across the isle and then he spotted me.

"Oh fucking crap" I thought to myself. He pushed his way into the seat right next to me.

He was big. He had crinkly chips. He had a mouthful of bad breath. His arm was touching mine *vomit* and he was definately invading my personal space.

So I said to him:-

"You can't sit there, I'm waiting for Antonio" (reference to my latin lover Antonio Banderas).

And he said " well, you can just move over".........

And I thought to myself WTF??

So...I said:- "listen Buddy, you come in here half an hour late with your crinkly chips and your mouthful of bad breath and you stand in everyones way making a noise, and then you invade my personal space by touching me *vomit* and then you want ME to move????"

I didn't really say that but I did say:- "there are seats down the front, move down there".

He huffed and puffed and got up and moved. Thank fucking goodness for that.

I enjoyed the rest of the movie without incident, and felt a tad guilty at the end when the guy in question helped his mother to walk out...but my guilt only lasted a minute or two. I got over it.


Christina Lee said...

hah! you are fun-ny!!!

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha...oh, I hate going to the cinemas, honestly...

Unknown said...

we are all waiting for Antonio!!!

Anonymous said...

Going to the pictures alone sounds like the best idea. Fabulously written.

CJ xx

Doodles said...

That is to funny. Just hate to go to the movies alone. I always sit next to the wall and make hubby sit next to me or we bring the whole family and I have one of my kids on each side and he does too so all six of us are there... LOL.

Stephanie said...

Oh how I love love this! I must always have an aisle seat....and will go insane should a seat kicker sit in my row or the row behind me!
I'd love to know how you fly!

Tracey said...

Hahahaha! I am so glad you said something to that guy and he moved! Otherwise you'd have been fuming for the rest of the movie!

I ALWAYS have to have popcorn - large - but I barely eat any of it and take it home with me lol.

And I always pay the extra to go gold class now.

Pity the nearest cinema is 2.5 hours away :(

Sarah at The Stroller Ballet said...

Ha ha! If I really think about all those people who have sat in the seats at the cinema, and are in the cinema when I am there, it kind of grosses me out. But I still love the movies!

Foursons said...

I refuse to wear shorts to the movie theater because of people like that. Yuck!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I'm trying to be polite....
I don't want to say you're weird...
'cause you're not alone in your feelings...well there are a lot of weirdos....
Actually, you are so right.
Not many have your guts to defend their space and priorities. Good for you.
When my wife and I went to the movies we would go to the first matinee, it was half price and usually not crowded.
Yeah, it is uncomfortable sitting cheek by jowl with a stranger.
Yeah, you are right.

sanjeet said...

Fabulously written.

Work from home India

TheRixonFive said...

okay, that is hysterical. I rarely even GO to the movies because I have the same little neuroses. =) at least you have mastered the art of keeping people away!

News From Our Nest said...

HAHAHAHA such a true and funny list of rules.

I'm happy to hear you told that man to move, good for you!

helloally said...

omfg what happened to the other handbag on the seat beside you..he didnt friggen sit on it too did he ... **faints** ..*vomit* eeuwww

Tracie said...

I hate sitting next to people at the movies too. I wouldn't have been able to say that to him. You're my hero!

jeanie said...

Wow - I am impressed - I would never have the balls, but I am glad I know someone (okay, admittedly only "blog-know) who does...

ComeBackKid said...

HAHAHAHA! Love this post. Hilarious!