October 15, 2014

Miscarriage is Not a dirty word.


I always feel a bit staby at this time of year.

For just two days actually, the 15th and 16th of October.

Not staby in a mean, self centred way, but more a vibe of leave me alone, I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'll be back to normal on the 17th.

Tomorrow it will be 15 years since I lost my Dad, I miss him every day.

Today October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

I wrote the passage below in 2009, between my 5th and 6th miscarriage. I obviously wasn't in a good place, I was a cranky, wretched teary mess on the downward slippery slide into situational depression.

You are coming to the end of your time now....3 weeks to go you say.

You sigh about how uncomfortable you feel, the sleepless nights, the sore back....oh how you can't wait for it to be over.

I can't understand how you can feel like that, I never wanted it to be over for me. I still don't. I enjoyed every moment, I knew I was blessed....

You look forward to shedding the roomy clothes, to getting back to normal. It will be good to hear the baby steps in your house again. You are excited.

You don't know me...you don't know what I have been through so who am I to judge you? But what I would give to be 3 weeks away from bliss.....

Your delicious excitement is exactly how I would feel...I can't blame you. And yet, I can't listen anymore. I know I am blessed...so lucky that it makes me cry. But the sharp spear of pain that pierces my heart when I listen to you, feels like it will go on forever.


That was deep.

Not long after I wrote that, after 3 years of trying for another baby, we gave up, and continued owner building The Money Pit.  Life went on and it was good. 

I healed emotionally, but I never forgot.  I counted my blessings, in the form of 3 noisy, country, healthy kids.

Fast forward to 2010.  On my 43rd birthday, I found myself in the bathroom of a restaurant peeing on a stick.  Two dark lines.

What the actual fuck?

I told my husband 3 days later, who acting somewhat like a stunned teenager and said "how did this happen".

Remember that 5 minutes before Desperate Housewives a few Monday nights ago....?

This one was the most surprising of all, because every other time I would plead to see two lines, and then pray that it would stick.  But it never would.

No explanation, no medical reason why after 3 healthy children, I just couldn't carry a baby.  All first trimester miscarriages, which doesn't lessen the pain or grief.  A loss is a loss at any time.

I wasn't prepared for this.  I was over it, we had moved on and now my hopes were high again. This one was lost just before 3 months, after seeing the heartbeat and choosing a name.

I think the thing that helped me get through this was sharing my story and not hiding it away.  So many women had similar experiences, who struggled with infertility and baby loss.  It's not a nice club to be a part of, but the strength and understanding that comes from it is everything.

Today I'm good. I've healed but I haven't forgotten.  I see pregnancy as the blessing it is, I love expectant mothers and the excitement that comes with it. It's a beautiful time.

So I'm thinking of others today and hope they have healed.  Love to you.

For support and understanding, please contact Sands.

Farmers Wifey xo

October 13, 2014

Camp Time Again

I have a little confession to make.

Sometimes when I go shopping, I stop in the baby aisle and smell the Johnsons's Baby Shampoo because it reminds me of when my children were newborns.

Ah, the sweet memories.

Fast forward to today.

My little guy went on school camp this morning.  A week in the big city, doing fun kid things, visiting fun kid places and doing all sorts of cool activities. When I went on my school trip, I was in Grade 10 and we went camping in the bush, doing exciting things said no one ever like orienteering and bush tucker cooking.

These kids today are in Grade 6, not even in high school and they are spending a week in the city, staying at amazing places and eating at restaurants!

It was a year ago that my eldest daughter went on camp, and I can remember my tummy butterflies as I waved her off on the bus!  My friends and I stalked facebook for the week, waiting for photos of our kids to see what they were doing.  She hadn't been away from me for so long, and I was anxious, but I didn't need to be, as she came back with wonderful stories of what they did and saw.

She seemed to have grown up so much in the space of a week.  I cried when the bus left last year, and yes, this emotional mush cried again this morning.

Happy tears.

I know that my son will have a great time, but I miss him already! 

I hope he doesn't spend all of his money on xbox games, and I hope the lid on his drink bottle is done up tight.

I hope he wears a good shirt out to dinner tonight, and he doesn't fall off the top bed bunk in the cabin. 

He has the coolest new backpack, it's from a tv show called Adventure Time. It's about a dog called Jake, and my three kids were so excited to find this backpack with a doggy hood. I pleaded with my son to choose another backpack because I thought this one looked stupid.

 
The kids looked at me like I was stupid.

"Don't you know that's JAKE THE DOG......MUM?????"

We bought the backpack.



Now excuse me, I must go. I've got shopping to do and it includes a visit to the baby aisle!

Farmers Wifey xo


October 7, 2014

Horse of Course!

Living in the country, we are lucky to have wonderful neighbours who visit on horseback!  Why take the car when a ride in the sunshine will do?

Our friends saddled up and rode along the railway track to our property, it was such a beautiful day, and a pleasant surprise to have these horses in our driveway!

Miss T (aged 9) had her first riding lesson.  Now she wants a horse more than she even has before.
 

October 2, 2014

Free Time

 

I am really enjoying these school holidays.  Because I'm not working as much, I have time....free time to enjoy with the kids in the sunshine.

So what have we been doing?

Hanging out in the Library once a week! Yes, we are library snobs, in the nicest possible way. I book the computers for the kids, I enjoy a cup of tea from the tea and coffee cart Wednesdays and Fridays from 9.30 am.

We take out books, dvds and magazines and replace them the next week.  We are now regulars.  I like that!


So what else?

Fishing and crabbing in the boat :: Cinemas :: Picnics in the park :: Kids over for sleepovers :: Shopping :: Lunching :: Trampoling ::  Bushwalks :: Visits to Nanny and Poppy :: Eisteddfod gazing :: Rodeo :: Chess :: Horse Riding :: Lego :: Sleep ins :: Lazy mornings and even lazier afternoons :: Afternoon siestas :: Dvd nights curled up on the couch :: Quad and motor bike riding :: Xbox :: Cooking :: Cuddles :: Family time ::

We've even spring cleaned the kids bedrooms, cleaned and uncluttered and dusted and organised!

No stress.  No deadlines.  Just free time.

My heart is happy.

September 20, 2014

Get Outside, Kids!

 
 
I've had a very productive day today. I cleaned the kitchen.

It's fun and games here people! I've gone into a crazy, spring cleaning frenzy and decided to start with the kitchen, doing a deep clean which was needed.


You know, getting into those hidden spots that don't get alot of attention! My kitchen is now sparkling, and if anyone explodes anything in the microwave oven, they will be in trouble.


Today is the first day of school holidays.  Two weeks of fun and frivolity.

I've already confiscated the kids Ipods, Xbox, dvd players and anything else technology related. Yes the first day has been a hoot!

The kids have been, as we like to call it, acting ugly.  A bit of whining here, a raised voice there.  I take an ipod away, the kid plugs in a music usb stick.  I take that away, the same kid plays loud cds. I take the cds away and pass her a broom, see, fun and games!

I wonder could I do a technology free holiday, I don't think so, I'd probably go mad! I think the trick is to limit their xbox time and get their little personalities outside!  Which is what they did this afternoon. They packed drinks and snacks and headed off down the paddock to the fruit trees, where they picked the remaining mandarins and oranges.

As I like to keep an eye on them when they are walking around the farm, I used the biniculars to find them down at the flying fox over the dam, sitting on the cement wall eating Nutrigrain!


This photo is from 2011, they love this space!  As do I!  It's very peaceful and beautiful, with a little creek running through the trees.

It's a great place to explore.