January 31, 2016

Just Breathe

I had a strange thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago.  It was something that I had often read about but thankfully had never experienced before.

It all started at the end of the school holidays, when hubby was planning a trip back home to NSW, taking the kids for a family visit.  It's a two day car trip, and we usually all go and make the most of hotel free wifi and bakery goodies at most rest stops. This time, however I had to stay home for work and it was the only time the kids could go before school started.

The week leading up to the trip was a busy one.  I washed clothes, dug out suitcases from the cupboard and wrote lists of what they would need, Not because I'm a control freak but because of the time Hubby forgot his wallet only realising two hours into the trip......

(2 hours travelling + 2 hours drive back home to collect the wallet + 2 hours drive back to where we were when the shit hit the fan) = a frosty start to the holiday

The kids were excited to see family and go on another road trip. Usually we drive inland through country towns across the border into NSW and it's quite a nice drive.  This time however they decided they would take a different route and head into Sydney for the day, then drive on to our hometown.

So while the kids packed and made sure they had the essentials....ipods, iphones, dvd players, headphones, dvds, charging cords, car adaptors, stuffed animals, music cds, sunscreen, hats and good shoes (for walking across the Harbour Bridge), I thought about what I would do for my week alone, and I was kind of excited!

I could clean the house and have it EXACTLY the way it was in the afternoon as when I left for work in the morning!

All my washing would be up to date! No digging for clean socks this week thank you very much!

No cooking, that's right! NO COOKING!  Just give me healthy frozen meals! I might grab a pizza one night and some noodles the next!

I could catch up on Game of Thrones, I only have 3 seasons to get through!

I could read all of my untouched house and home magazines and because the house was STILL clean and tidy, I wouldn't feel guilty!

I had my week planned out!

The night before they left I started to feel apprehensive, and I don't know why. I couldn't work out why I was feeling a bit down, the kids were excited and I knew they would have an amazing time!

We all woke early the next morning. The car was packed quickly, and I kissed and hugged them all goodbye. I watched them drive away with their arms out of the windows waving frantically.  I waved too until I couldn't see them anymore. Before I had even walked back into the garage I had burst into tears.

I felt sick and lonely and lost.

It had been three minutes.  I went back to bed and my daughter sent me a text from our front gate -

LOVE YOU
WE MISS YOU ALREADY

I don't know why I was feeling like this, worried and lonely - maybe it was because they were going to have a great time and I had to stay home? Or was it that I was worried about them travelling without me?

All I know is that for the rest of the first day, I was a tearful, nervous mess.  I thought I'd keep busy by cleaning, and by midday I had cleaned out the fridge, tidied the linen closet and started to sort out the pantry.

It was then, while in the confines of the pantry that I started to feel unwell, I started to cry and I couldn't breathe.  I thought the walls were closing in on me and my heart was racing. I ran outside and thought I was either having a panic attack or anxiety episode.

I have never suffered from anything like this before.  Seriously I love my own time, I've travelled through America TWICE  by myself and never once felt like I was losing control. I love going to the movies alone. When I was overseas, I was alone but I never felt lonely....I had a purpose, a reason to be there.

I was so anxious that I didn't know what to do.  I knew I had a week until my family were home and I felt helpless.  And confused (Michelle you're supposed to be having FUN!). Did I need medication to calm me down, or a good walk around the farm, or did I just need to relax and breathe?

That first night was hard, but made easier when the kids called and sent through photos of their travels, and the next day I started to feel better, I went to work and it was good to be with people. I went home to an empty house, watered the plants, fed the guinea fowl, and settled down in front of the tv to watch American Pickers, and flick through some magazines.

My routine over the next few days was basically the same, and I was starting to enjoy it! I'd get home from work, get some jobs done, and plant myself on the couch.  I was still missing my family but I didn't feel as anxious as I did on the day they left, and I could count down the days until they would come home.

I was finally enjoying my own time and it was grand.  After their week away they arrived safely home, but I still remember how I felt that first day, and I'm not really sure IF it was a panic attack or anxiety but I can only feel for those who suffer from these overwhelming conditions on a regular basis.

Farmers Wifey xo

Beyond Blue

January 1, 2016

2016 - One Word



Shut the door on your way out 2015.....it's 2016!

Last year wasn't a productive one for my blog.  After several false starts, I just didn't have the motivation to write.  I thought about it a lot but actually doing it was another thing. But the new year brings forth new opportunities, new beginnings and a truckload full of enthusiasm.....I hope it lasts!

I usually start my year by linking with Maxabella Loves and choosing One Word, a word that will hopefully negotiate the year ahead.  Of course I didn't even choose a word last year, which basically sent my blog spiraling into the dark hole where it sat.  Previous entries have included

 Organise and Discover.

I've discovered that I'm not very organised.  Sorry I couldn't let that one go past!

Seriously, I've been thinking about this and what I want for the year ahead.  So many things really, health, wealth and happiness. plenty of clean socks and underwear when I'm late for work, happy, busy kids, no more grey hairs keep dreaming..... I really don't ask for much.

But the one thing that I need, want and crave is

Energy

I'm tired all the time, desperately tired.  My mind and body.....tired.

My brain fried tired.

I want energy to make the most out of every day, to get things done, to stop procrastinating.  To get on top of things and be organised (see above).

I want energy to stay healthy, to walk and to enjoy our beautiful surroundings.

I need to increase my mental energy to keep my motivation high, to stay happy and positive and to achieve my goals, whether they be big or small.  

If I wasn't so tired I could get so many things done. But I'd rather sit on the deck and read a book and ignore the elephant in the room that is the housework/paperwork/furniture restoration.

Here's to a good year full of ENERGY!

What's your word?

Farmers Wifey xo

June 9, 2015

My Personal Challenge

I've recently had a birthday. I turned 26,....and a bit more....alright just a bit more.....

Okay I turned 48.  There.

Often with birthdays I find myself wanting to make changes to do with my lifestyle, to eat healthier, exercise more, remove my makeup every night and wear sunscreen every single day.

Turning 48 comes with its own set of challenges.  My body is getting old, there I said it.  I'm no longer a spring chicken, although my Mum still thinks I am, bless her.  My body aches in the morning and I feel tired most days. I'm a little out of shape and not as fit as I'd like to be.

 I need to wear my glasses more often and my skin could be clearer.

What to do, what to do?

I'm giving myself a birthday present.

I'm giving up alcohol for 12 months. Well that's an arrow out of nowhere!

The catalyst for this rash decision comes from the acceptance that I don't bounce back like I used to. When I was younger, I could drink wine, stay up late, not eat healthy but still wake refreshed and ready for anything.

Now after three kids and having worked my way well into my forties, I definitely struggle if I don't take good care of myself.  And that is the point where I find myself now.

I remember having my first taste of alcohol on the way to my school social at the end of Grade 10.  I was 16.  My friends and I had coloured our hair and were rocking the punk look which was popular at the time with tartan skirts, ripped stockings and a sinister sneer.

We sipped on plastic cups full of Green Ginger Wine and acted tough and thought we knew everything.  From that moment on, I had a relationship with alcohol which went from no drinking at all while pregnant and breastfeeding, to drinking nearly every weekend, to months at a time of no alcohol at all while trying to be healthy.

I'm really excited to see how much money I save, and what changes happen by adopting a healthier lifestyle.  I'm a member of Hello Sunday Morning, an online movement towards a better drinking culture, where people can blog about their experiences and give support to others who are also making healthier choices.



I know it's not going to be easy, as truthfully, I love a glass of wine.  Or two....or three!! A girls night out is so much fun if alcohol and karaoke is on hand, but saying that, I've also had some amazing nights out as the designated driver.

So that's where I'm at right now. Here's to a happy and alcohol free 12 months and beyond!

Do you drink or are you a teetotaler?

Farmers Wifey xo

May 12, 2015

The Forgotten

My blog sits in the corner like a shy wallflower at the school dance.  Eyes downcast, crestfallen and lonely, longing for some attention. Will someone take her hand and lead her on the dancefloor?

I can't believe it's been six months since I've blogged.  That time has gone awfully fast really, with no real reason for not writing other than the desire to share has evaded me somewhat. It's been so long that the J button is missing on my laptop keyboard and I couldn't remember my blogger password.

And I've missed it, I really have.  I've missed reading other blogs as well because if I'm not writing I'm not reading, which is slightly unfair on my behalf.

But I'm back and hoping to write with some kind of regularity and avoid having my blog covered in dust as it sits now.

I've tried to write a few times, and during these false starts I wondered if anyone would even miss me?

I thought about that for a nanosecond before reassuring myself that I write for me. I always have and will continue to do so even when the sweet temptation of monetisation rears its head.

So what am I all about, really? I've been trying to figure out which direction I want my blog to take. The possibilities are endless.

I could take the humour approach, which could be fitting as I wrote a post once that wasn't meant to be funny, but one wag offered "I didn't know you were a humour blogger". I've been told I have a dry wit, just look at these crackers:-

Icecream For Dinner.
Wifey FAQ.
Blame The Washing Machine.
Take Me To Bunnings To Buy A.

If that doesn't work, I could always follow the home/styling/interior design/house/decorating/too many cushions road, which I've also done in the past.  Because I'm now working in this industry, I have a passion for too many cushions that usually end up on the floor, but this could be a good path to follow? Here's a sample:-

House Update - Floors.
Hidden Treasures.
Inspiration.
Dream Shopping.

I could even write about my age and get slightly naked on the internet.  Oh wait, I've already done that:-

I Heart My Body.
Who Am I.
Age.

I might just write about all of the above, along with my life living on our farm, my kids, my animals, my daily grind, what I do, what I like and what I see. Not much of a change really, but I'm so pumped to be back to it!

What would you like to see?  Let me have it!

Farmers Wifey xo

November 14, 2014

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas!

 I love Christmas.  And I love glass jars.

Put them both together and you have one happy Farmer's Wifey!

Thank goodness my family eat jam, pickles and pasta sauce because I don't know where I'd get my stash of jars if these items weren't on my shopping list.

One day I might become very rural and actually have a try at making my own jam, pickles and pasta sauce but then where would I get the jars to put the finished products in?  That's right, I'd have to buy it all from the supermarket first, so I can actually make my own.

I'm confused!  Sorry I digress, where was I?

Yes, Christmas is apon us and there are thoughts of homemade gifts for the teachers, candy canes popped lovingly inside cards for school friends and the stress of finding the exact match for the Elsa doll because the shops have sold out to parents with little girls under the age of 5.

Our school is having a bottle sale during the Christmas Carols this year, and I'm looking forward to checking out the jars ahem contents which have been donated by local families.  What a great fundraiser!  Fill bottles and jars with whatever takes your imagination, make money for the school, everyone wins!

I decided to get crafty so off I went to my child free craftroom.....yes I have one, don't hate me....:)  and I've done two chocolate/lollie jars and two scrapbooking/craft ones which are filled with ribbons, flowers and stickers in a summer and spring theme.

Finished with Christmas ribbon, toppers and tags and they look great!
 
 
 
 
 
 
What do you think, you like? How's your Christmas preparation going, are you organised?

Farmers Wifey xo