One Word

So here we are,  halfway through January with Christmas a distant memory.

It makes me sad somewhat that Christmas is over, and now it's full steam ahead into another year.

Last year for us was manic, I'd say the busiest year we have had.  With the kids school, sports, theatre, extra activities, Graduation and Prom for our eldest, milestone birthday parties, as well as our work, it didn't seem like we had a lot of spare time.

This year, however, is going to be different.  Our whole family dynamic is changing. Miss D (aged 18) is leaving the nest.  She has another two weeks at home, then she's off to University on the other side of the country.

It's an exciting time for us all, though bittersweet.

I find myself almost grieving for the past, for the sweet memories of when my three were little.  These memories seem so distant, and yes, it is a form of grief, to want what I had, what I experienced in those early years.

I almost long for the days when we had so much time.

I consider it a flaw to some extent, my habit of revisiting past memories, and dwelling on them.  They make me happy but at the same time, make me ache for a more simple life.

While I have been thinking about this, I've been deciding on my One Word for the year.  What word could I choose, to guide me forward in a positive way?

I've decided my One Word is

Time

Life will be different for us this year, and I want to make the most out of every moment.

Make time for the things I love, and for the people in my life.

Make time to just be, time for me.

Make time to appreciate the beauty in where I live, to exercise and to keep healthy.

Make time to dream, to plan for the future.

Make time to revisit memories, but to keep them in a happy place.

Time is precious and I don't want to waste it.  

Do you have a Word for your year?

Farmers Wifey xo

Linking up with Denyse for Life This Week

Balance

I was thinking the other day how, at times, I can be super lazy, well that's a bit harsh maybe, but give me a choice between getting shit done, or reading my favourite magazine with cake and tea, you can guess what I'd choose.

But things need to be done, the house has to be run, the kids kept fed, watered and dressed and driven to the right place on time, so I've been trying to find that balance, and I feel pretty good about it at the moment.

Because I'm working part time, in a fabulous job that I love, I'm really trying to make the most of my home time... organisation is the key people! I usually tend to the daily grind in the mornings, ie washing, cleaning, cooking, sorting, paying bills and getting organised so I can enjoy the afternoons doing something I love.

When I'm home alone, I really enjoy the silence, to be honest, but when The Hubbster and kids come home, it's usually chaotic, noisy and crazy, and everyone talks at the same time and my head spins, but that is what a family is about, so I am embracing these times because as the years go on, the dynamics of our family will shift.

In fact, I try to think of what life was like BK (Before Kids) and I really can't remember what it was like to be responsible for just me.  To have the freedom to make choices and take risks, perhaps, with no consequence to anyone else but myself. I travelled alone because I could, and at times worked full time AND part time because I didn't have a house full of kids to come home to and look after.

But during these times, there was always that longing, in the back of my mind, that I needed to, and wanted to get married and have a family, it was almost like a calling and as many of my friends during my 20's married and started their families, I really wondered if it would ever happen to me.

Well it did.  I was a late starter, getting married at 32, and having my babies at 33, 35 and 37. And so it began, the period known as AF (After Kids or All Crazy) because at times that's how it is! This has truly been the most important, happy, frustrating but joyous time of my life. From being a new mother with a newborn, a 2 year old and a 4 year old, to now, having the three of them in high school.

It has been a challenge, because as much as I think I'm doing a great job of being a mum, there have been times where I think I've failed miserably.   I can be really hard on myself, but after talking with other mothers, I don't think I'm alone. Whether it be issues about money, lack of time, responsibility or just the day to day slog we all go through, being a mother/parent is hard work.

But rewarding.  Oh so cliche, but so true.

So here I am, in the middle of the busiest time of mine, and my children's lives, trying to find that balance, enjoying the moment as it is fleeting, and trying to do a good job of raising these country kids  I still have goals but at the moment they are dreams for the next chapter which will come all too soon.

How do YOU have balance in your life?

Farmers Wifey xo

One Word

I've been thinking about the word I want to choose for the year ahead, a word to guide me in a positive way in 2018.

It's already February and I'm just getting onto this, so I definitely won't be choosing punctuality as I'm late already! But February is a month to breathe, the kids are back at school, the book lists and uniforms are sorted, and the craziness of Christmas really does seem like a distant memory.  Which actually makes me kind of sad.

So I had a look back at past One Word entries,which included Discover, Organise, and possibly even Inspire. Having turned the big 50 last year, I've been taking stock of my life and thinking carefully about what I want to achieve this year.

I have chosen EMBRACE.

Embrace life, be appreciative and grateful for what I have. To be there, in the moment for my family. To be happy and do things that I enjoy, instead of writing them on a To Do List, for when I actually have time.  MAKE time, because life is short, there will never be another today.

I've already started to make little changes, and I can see the difference already.  I've simplified my online time to do only the things that give me joy, I've removed my name from time wasting email lists, grouped together my favourite blogs, so I can easily access and read them because they make me happy, and I've simplified my facebook friends list.

Little changes, here and there, but all adding up to a more simplified, organised, happy life. There is so much more, but I won't write it down, I'll just do it.

Embrace.  I love the sound of it.

Farmers Wifey xo

50 and Fabulous!

Yep, I can't believe it either!

Farmers Wifey xo

Winning The Day

I find it fascinating, how much I can get done in a day, when I don't go back to bed after dropping the kids at the bus stop.

I wave them goodbye, yell FREEDOM and sometimes even high five myself, when the bus is out of sight, if it happens to be my day off! Today I did go back to bed which was a bad idea, because I then woke up at 10.30am feeling tired and slow and totally not motivated to get all of the things done that I had promised myself I would do.

On a similar day last week, I was feeling good, it was nice weather and the house was quiet as everyone had gone. I knew my window of opportunity was from 8am to 4pm so I silently played this mantra over and over in my head do not go back to bed.

I made a cup of tea and sorted the washing - colours/whites, riveting stuff I know, but as I'm apparently the maid it had to be done. Sucks that.

I sat on the deck, ate breakfast and read the news, trying not to get engrossed in Buzzfeed because once I'm in THAT website I can't get out, and can spend hours looking at posts like this.   Seriously, look at number 9, he's called a Booby and had the kids sniggering for hours because, you know Booby.

Image credit Buzzfeed

However today was going to be fine because I was determined to win the day. I decided to water Miss T's garden which is going really well except for her cactus which I think I have overwatered and now has cactus rot.  I know this because Google told me and also because it's mouldy and covered in a mushy substance. The whole thing has now fallen over but I'm going to blame the guinea fowl.

I even have proof:- questionable as it may be....

See he wants me to believe he was ONLY smelling the flowers but I think he was pecking the cactus and that's why it fell over with cactus rot and mould.

Sounds fair to me.

And the cactus in happier times......RIP.

This guy didn't get inside so I won the day there.

In the morning I had asked the kids to get their football training gear ready for a quick afternoon getaway, And they did!  Well they dumped everything in a massive pile on the couch, which I have arranged here neatly because I have so much time on my hands and nothing better to do, remember Maid.

I pottered around for the rest of the day, and unpacked a box of clothes in the shed and found one of my old dancing dresses from a million years ago.  I promptly washed it and hung it out in the sunshine, then went and found a photo of me wearing the dress to prove to my girls that I actually had a waist and was once 14 year olds.

I mean, seriously, look at that waist! And dancing with my eyes closed, must have been a new style at the time.

Miss T (aged 11) is thrilled with the dress and it now hangs proudly in her closet. She loves dressing up, and has been known to rock the leggings/skirt/boots/singlet combo. If she wants to wear it to the supermarket I might just let her because she will sparkle in the sun!

Hubby took the kids to football training so I watched the news at 5, and drank tea and ate the chocolate muffin that I had hidden.  It was worth it.

So all in all, compared to some other days which have been shitty and cloudy and boring, I won the day. Little things really, nothing super exciting or life changing but time out to potter around, to sit in the sun and not have to BE anywhere.

How's your day?  You winning?

Farmers Wifey xo

PS For some reason, your comments on previous posts have disappeared,  putting me in the corner of the bloggy dancefloor....alone....so leave me a comment and I will visit you too!

Chores Again?

Two years I decided it was about time we had a kids chore chart in the house!  My word for 2014 was Organise, and as hubby and I were both working, and the kids had lots of activities on, I really needed to come up with a plan so that the weekly chaos wouldn't take over our lives.

I also wanted the kids to know that we all, as a family, are responsible for the running of the household, and despite their childish thoughts on the matter, I was indeed no ones maid!

A couple of things finally pushed me over the edge, enough to see me running down to KMart to buy a huge whiteboard for the wall, and various coloured markers.

Scenarios like this for instance:-

We would have a relaxing dinner, I'd leave hubby and the kids chatting at the table while I quickly turned the washing machine on.  Moments later I'd return and the place would be deserted think scenes from a movie where the chairs are knocked over in the haste of getting away.  Although MY chairs were not in disarray, the kids had hotfooted it in the hope of getting out of clearing the table and doing the dishes!

The Husband would be gone as well.

Many times they would ninja away, and protest when I found them, as if they had not even sat at the table spilling sauce on my tablecloth only moments before!

Or this:-

I'd give each child one job to do, just one. I'd get down to their level, speak slowly and clearly and happily inform them that they are on broom duty, or they are doing the dishes, or folding the washing. I'd always be calm at that stage because I wasn't asking them to wash the car or work out in the hot sun, so they were quite capable of doing these jobs.

Well, if one kid thought the other was getting a better deal, it was on! They would argue for the time it took to actually do the chores, and I'd be frazzled and not calm because the shit wasn't getting done and someone was crying and someone else said they didn't know how to use a broom the same kid who swore she didn't like corn, after eating it nearly every day for five years.....

Yep, fun times.

So something had to be done. Obviously verbal communication wasn't working so I started to write things down.  If I was working on the weekend, I'd leave them a cute little note with instructions on what they had to do, by 5pm that day. Happy notes, always with hearts that I'm sure made a difference when they were running around getting everything done at 4.45pm. This worked for a while but I think they thought I wasn't serious...too many hearts.

My notes became firmer, with no hearts but clear instructions on what was expected.  I really like this note, obviously written with clenched teeth not calm.

But again, there would be arguments about who was doing what, or who had the best job, and so on. The whiteboard idea came to me in a flash of brilliance one night, while I was wide awake at 2am wondering how to bring peace and order to our house without letting them win!

And it worked!  I hung the whiteboard in the mudroom with the kids names and the days written down, and EXACTLY what each child was responsible for that day.  I rotated the jobs so it was very fair so those who were scared of the broom had to toughen up and learn how to use it, because it was their turn next week! They did the same chores for the entire week, then they would change and do something else, so it was fair and organised.

I think the key was that they needed to see what they were responsible for, and also how much I appreciated their help.  I started three little jars for pocket money but that didn't really work so I made sure they had occasional monetary rewards for school tuckshop or itunes cards.

I also make sure I praise them, and tell them how grateful I am when I come home and their school bags are unpacked and their shoes are put away. It doesn't take much for everyone to help and to be responsible for their own belongings.

I haven't been using the chore chart this term, and the cracks are starting to show.  The whiteboard now has graffiti and I'm tripping over a pile of shoes right in the doorway.  It's time to get tough again!

Do your kids do jobs? Do they get pocket money? Can they use a broom?

Tell me!

Farmers Wifey xo

Just Breathe

I had a strange thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago.  It was something that I had often read about but thankfully had never experienced before.

It all started at the end of the school holidays, when hubby was planning a trip back home to NSW, taking the kids for a family visit.  It's a two day car trip, and we usually all go and make the most of hotel free wifi and bakery goodies at most rest stops. This time, however I had to stay home for work and it was the only time the kids could go before school started.

The week leading up to the trip was a busy one.  I washed clothes, dug out suitcases from the cupboard and wrote lists of what they would need, Not because I'm a control freak but because of the time Hubby forgot his wallet only realising two hours into the trip......

(2 hours travelling + 2 hours drive back home to collect the wallet + 2 hours drive back to where we were when the shit hit the fan) = a frosty start to the holiday

The kids were excited to see family and go on another road trip. Usually we drive inland through country towns across the border into NSW and it's quite a nice drive.  This time however they decided they would take a different route and head into Sydney for the day, then drive on to our hometown.

So while the kids packed and made sure they had the essentials....ipods, iphones, dvd players, headphones, dvds, charging cords, car adaptors, stuffed animals, music cds, sunscreen, hats and good shoes (for walking across the Harbour Bridge), I thought about what I would do for my week alone, and I was kind of excited!

I could clean the house and have it EXACTLY the way it was in the afternoon as when I left for work in the morning!

All my washing would be up to date! No digging for clean socks this week thank you very much!

No cooking, that's right! NO COOKING!  Just give me healthy frozen meals! I might grab a pizza one night and some noodles the next!

I could catch up on Game of Thrones, I only have 3 seasons to get through!

I could read all of my untouched house and home magazines and because the house was STILL clean and tidy, I wouldn't feel guilty!

I had my week planned out!

The night before they left I started to feel apprehensive, and I don't know why. I couldn't work out why I was feeling a bit down, the kids were excited and I knew they would have an amazing time!

We all woke early the next morning. The car was packed quickly, and I kissed and hugged them all goodbye. I watched them drive away with their arms out of the windows waving frantically.  I waved too until I couldn't see them anymore. Before I had even walked back into the garage I had burst into tears.

I felt sick and lonely and lost.

It had been three minutes.  I went back to bed and my daughter sent me a text from our front gate -

LOVE YOU
WE MISS YOU ALREADY

I don't know why I was feeling like this, worried and lonely - maybe it was because they were going to have a great time and I had to stay home? Or was it that I was worried about them travelling without me?

All I know is that for the rest of the first day, I was a tearful, nervous mess.  I thought I'd keep busy by cleaning, and by midday I had cleaned out the fridge, tidied the linen closet and started to sort out the pantry.

It was then, while in the confines of the pantry that I started to feel unwell, I started to cry and I couldn't breathe.  I thought the walls were closing in on me and my heart was racing. I ran outside and thought I was either having a panic attack or anxiety episode.

I have never suffered from anything like this before.  Seriously I love my own time, I've travelled through America TWICE  by myself and never once felt like I was losing control. I love going to the movies alone. When I was overseas, I was alone but I never felt lonely....I had a purpose, a reason to be there.

I was so anxious that I didn't know what to do.  I knew I had a week until my family were home and I felt helpless.  And confused (Michelle you're supposed to be having FUN!). Did I need medication to calm me down, or a good walk around the farm, or did I just need to relax and breathe?

That first night was hard, but made easier when the kids called and sent through photos of their travels, and the next day I started to feel better, I went to work and it was good to be with people. I went home to an empty house, watered the plants, fed the guinea fowl, and settled down in front of the tv to watch American Pickers, and flick through some magazines.

My routine over the next few days was basically the same, and I was starting to enjoy it! I'd get home from work, get some jobs done, and plant myself on the couch.  I was still missing my family but I didn't feel as anxious as I did on the day they left, and I could count down the days until they would come home.

I was finally enjoying my own time and it was grand.  After their week away they arrived safely home, but I still remember how I felt that first day, and I'm not really sure IF it was a panic attack or anxiety but I can only feel for those who suffer from these overwhelming conditions on a regular basis.

Farmers Wifey xo

Beyond Blue

2016 - One Word

Shut the door on your way out 2015.....it's 2016!

Last year wasn't a productive one for my blog.  After several false starts, I just didn't have the motivation to write.  I thought about it a lot but actually doing it was another thing. But the new year brings forth new opportunities, new beginnings and a truckload full of enthusiasm.....I hope it lasts!

I usually start my year by linking with Maxabella Loves and choosing One Word, a word that will hopefully negotiate the year ahead.  Of course I didn't even choose a word last year, which basically sent my blog spiraling into the dark hole where it sat.  Previous entries have included

 Organise and Discover.

I've discovered that I'm not very organised.  Sorry I couldn't let that one go past!

Seriously, I've been thinking about this and what I want for the year ahead.  So many things really, health, wealth and happiness. plenty of clean socks and underwear when I'm late for work, happy, busy kids, no more grey hairs keep dreaming..... I really don't ask for much.

But the one thing that I need, want and crave is

Energy

I'm tired all the time, desperately tired.  My mind and body.....tired.

My brain fried tired.

I want energy to make the most out of every day, to get things done, to stop procrastinating.  To get on top of things and be organised (see above).

I want energy to stay healthy, to walk and to enjoy our beautiful surroundings.

I need to increase my mental energy to keep my motivation high, to stay happy and positive and to achieve my goals, whether they be big or small.  

If I wasn't so tired I could get so many things done. But I'd rather sit on the deck and read a book and ignore the elephant in the room that is the housework/paperwork/furniture restoration.

Here's to a good year full of ENERGY!

What's your word?

Farmers Wifey xo

My Personal Challenge

I've recently had a birthday. I turned 26,....and a bit more....alright just a bit more.....

Okay I turned 48.  There.

Often with birthdays I find myself wanting to make changes to do with my lifestyle, to eat healthier, exercise more, remove my makeup every night and wear sunscreen every single day.

Turning 48 comes with its own set of challenges.  My body is getting old, there I said it.  I'm no longer a spring chicken, although my Mum still thinks I am, bless her.  My body aches in the morning and I feel tired most days. I'm a little out of shape and not as fit as I'd like to be.

 I need to wear my glasses more often and my skin could be clearer.

What to do, what to do?

I'm giving myself a birthday present.

I'm giving up alcohol for 12 months. Well that's an arrow out of nowhere!

The catalyst for this rash decision comes from the acceptance that I don't bounce back like I used to. When I was younger, I could drink wine, stay up late, not eat healthy but still wake refreshed and ready for anything.

Now after three kids and having worked my way well into my forties, I definitely struggle if I don't take good care of myself.  And that is the point where I find myself now.

I remember having my first taste of alcohol on the way to my school social at the end of Grade 10.  I was 16.  My friends and I had coloured our hair and were rocking the punk look which was popular at the time with tartan skirts, ripped stockings and a sinister sneer.

We sipped on plastic cups full of Green Ginger Wine and acted tough and thought we knew everything.  From that moment on, I had a relationship with alcohol which went from no drinking at all while pregnant and breastfeeding, to drinking nearly every weekend, to months at a time of no alcohol at all while trying to be healthy.

I'm really excited to see how much money I save, and what changes happen by adopting a healthier lifestyle.  I'm a member of Hello Sunday Morning, an online movement towards a better drinking culture, where people can blog about their experiences and give support to others who are also making healthier choices.

I know it's not going to be easy, as truthfully, I love a glass of wine.  Or two....or three!! A girls night out is so much fun if alcohol and karaoke is on hand, but saying that, I've also had some amazing nights out as the designated driver.

So that's where I'm at right now. Here's to a happy and alcohol free 12 months and beyond!

Do you drink or are you a teetotaler?

Farmers Wifey xo

The Forgotten

My blog sits in the corner like a shy wallflower at the school dance.  Eyes downcast, crestfallen and lonely, longing for some attention. Will someone take her hand and lead her on the dancefloor?

I can't believe it's been six months since I've blogged.  That time has gone awfully fast really, with no real reason for not writing other than the desire to share has evaded me somewhat. It's been so long that the J button is missing on my laptop keyboard and I couldn't remember my blogger password.

And I've missed it, I really have.  I've missed reading other blogs as well because if I'm not writing I'm not reading, which is slightly unfair on my behalf.

But I'm back and hoping to write with some kind of regularity and avoid having my blog covered in dust as it sits now.

I've tried to write a few times, and during these false starts I wondered if anyone would even miss me?

I thought about that for a nanosecond before reassuring myself that I write for me. I always have and will continue to do so even when the sweet temptation of monetisation rears its head.

So what am I all about, really? I've been trying to figure out which direction I want my blog to take. The possibilities are endless.

I could take the humour approach, which could be fitting as I wrote a post once that wasn't meant to be funny, but one wag offered "I didn't know you were a humour blogger". I've been told I have a dry wit, just look at these crackers:-

Icecream For Dinner.
Wifey FAQ.
Blame The Washing Machine.
Take Me To Bunnings To Buy A.

If that doesn't work, I could always follow the home/styling/interior design/house/decorating/too many cushions road, which I've also done in the past.  Because I'm now working in this industry, I have a passion for too many cushions that usually end up on the floor, but this could be a good path to follow? Here's a sample:-

House Update - Floors.
Hidden Treasures.
Inspiration.
Dream Shopping.

I could even write about my age and get slightly naked on the internet.  Oh wait, I've already done that:-

I Heart My Body.
Who Am I.
Age.

I might just write about all of the above, along with my life living on our farm, my kids, my animals, my daily grind, what I do, what I like and what I see. Not much of a change really, but I'm so pumped to be back to it!

What would you like to see?  Let me have it!

Farmers Wifey xo

It's Beginning To Look Alot Like Christmas!

 I love Christmas.  And I love glass jars.

Put them both together and you have one happy Farmer's Wifey!

Thank goodness my family eat jam, pickles and pasta sauce because I don't know where I'd get my stash of jars if these items weren't on my shopping list.

One day I might become very rural and actually have a try at making my own jam, pickles and pasta sauce but then where would I get the jars to put the finished products in?  That's right, I'd have to buy it all from the supermarket first, so I can actually make my own.

I'm confused!  Sorry I digress, where was I?

Yes, Christmas is apon us and there are thoughts of homemade gifts for the teachers, candy canes popped lovingly inside cards for school friends and the stress of finding the exact match for the Elsa doll because the shops have sold out to parents with little girls under the age of 5.

Our school is having a bottle sale during the Christmas Carols this year, and I'm looking forward to checking out the jars ahem contents which have been donated by local families.  What a great fundraiser!  Fill bottles and jars with whatever takes your imagination, make money for the school, everyone wins!

I decided to get crafty so off I went to my child free craftroom.....yes I have one, don't hate me....:)  and I've done two chocolate/lollie jars and two scrapbooking/craft ones which are filled with ribbons, flowers and stickers in a summer and spring theme.

Finished with Christmas ribbon, toppers and tags and they look great!

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you think, you like? How's your Christmas preparation going, are you organised?

Farmers Wifey xo

Monday Pretties

I was looking through my 3851 Iphone photos today I must backup, and I found some snaps that I'd like to share with you.

Last week the house was reasonably tidy, and the beds were made.  Not unlike this week with the house looking like some small angry army with search and destroy issues have blown through the place.

Oh wait, that's the kids.

I tried to get all Pinteresty with a photo of my bed, all clean and tidy and uncluttered.  I love the quilt I'm using, it has a country look with gorgeous colours.

I took the kids for icecream a few days ago, Yogurtland to be precise.  I always have the same thing - dutch chocolate, mango and big chocolate sprinkles.  Like tea calms a stressful adult, I'm sure icecream does the same for kids, until they get in the car to go home and the sugar hits which is always fun.

A few things caught my eye this week while shopping!  These new Maxwell and Williams plates, wrapped in coloured tissue paper made their way home!  And I am loving Woodwick candles, I bought two, and they are divine!

Miss D (aged 13) shared some special things in her room too.  She has a love for blue, for vintage and anything pretty.  She always has books on her bedside table and she reads every night.

   

And you?  Bought anything lately?  Been out for icecream? What's been happening?  Happy Monday!

Farmer's Wifey xo

Miscarriage is Not a dirty word.

I always feel a bit staby at this time of year.

For just two days actually, the 15th and 16th of October.

Not staby in a mean, self centred way, but more a vibe of leave me alone, I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'll be back to normal on the 17th.

Tomorrow it will be 15 years since I lost my Dad, I miss him every day.

Today October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 

I wrote the passage below in 2009, between my 5th and 6th miscarriage. I obviously wasn't in a good place, I was a cranky, wretched teary mess on the downward slippery slide into situational depression.

You are coming to the end of your time now....3 weeks to go you say.

You sigh about how uncomfortable you feel, the sleepless nights, the sore back....oh how you can't wait for it to be over.

I can't understand how you can feel like that, I never wanted it to be over for me. I still don't. I enjoyed every moment, I knew I was blessed....

You look forward to shedding the roomy clothes, to getting back to normal. It will be good to hear the baby steps in your house again. You are excited.

You don't know me...you don't know what I have been through so who am I to judge you? But what I would give to be 3 weeks away from bliss.....

Your delicious excitement is exactly how I would feel...I can't blame you. And yet, I can't listen anymore. I know I am blessed...so lucky that it makes me cry. But the sharp spear of pain that pierces my heart when I listen to you, feels like it will go on forever.

That was deep.

Not long after I wrote that, after 3 years of trying for another baby, we gave up, and continued owner building The Money Pit.  Life went on and it was good. 

I healed emotionally, but I never forgot.  I counted my blessings, in the form of 3 noisy, country, healthy kids.

Fast forward to 2010.  On my 43rd birthday, I found myself in the bathroom of a restaurant peeing on a stick.  Two dark lines.

What the actual fuck?

I told my husband 3 days later, who acting somewhat like a stunned teenager and said "how did this happen".

Remember that 5 minutes before Desperate Housewives a few Monday nights ago....?

This one was the most surprising of all, because every other time I would plead to see two lines, and then pray that it would stick.  But it never would.

No explanation, no medical reason why after 3 healthy children, I just couldn't carry a baby.  All first trimester miscarriages, which doesn't lessen the pain or grief.  A loss is a loss at any time.

I wasn't prepared for this.  I was over it, we had moved on and now my hopes were high again. This one was lost just before 3 months, after seeing the heartbeat and choosing a name.

I think the thing that helped me get through this was sharing my story and not hiding it away.  So many women had similar experiences, who struggled with infertility and baby loss.  It's not a nice club to be a part of, but the strength and understanding that comes from it is everything.

Today I'm good. I've healed but I haven't forgotten.  I see pregnancy as the blessing it is, I love expectant mothers and the excitement that comes with it. It's a beautiful time.

So I'm thinking of others today and hope they have healed.  Love to you.

For support and understanding, please contact Sands.

Farmer's Wifey xo

Camp Time Again

I have a little confession to make.

Sometimes when I go shopping, I stop in the baby aisle and smell the Johnsons's Baby Shampoo because it reminds me of when my children were newborns.

Ah, the sweet memories.

Fast forward to today.

My little guy went on school camp this morning.  A week in the big city, doing fun kid things, visiting fun kid places and doing all sorts of cool activities. When I went on my school trip, I was in Grade 10 and we went camping in the bush, doing exciting things said no one ever like orienteering and bush tucker cooking.

These kids today are in Grade 6, not even in high school and they are spending a week in the city, staying at amazing places and eating at restaurants!

It was a year ago that my eldest daughter went on camp, and I can remember my tummy butterflies as I waved her off on the bus!  My friends and I stalked facebook for the week, waiting for photos of our kids to see what they were doing.  She hadn't been away from me for so long, and I was anxious, but I didn't need to be, as she came back with wonderful stories of what they did and saw.

She seemed to have grown up so much in the space of a week.  I cried when the bus left last year, and yes, this emotional mush cried again this morning.

Happy tears.

I know that my son will have a great time, but I miss him already! 

I hope he doesn't spend all of his money on xbox games, and I hope the lid on his drink bottle is done up tight.

I hope he wears a good shirt out to dinner tonight, and he doesn't fall off the top bed bunk in the cabin. 

He has the coolest new backpack, it's from a tv show called Adventure Time. It's about a dog called Jake, and my three kids were so excited to find this backpack with a doggy hood. I pleaded with my son to choose another backpack because I thought this one looked stupid.

 
The kids looked at me like I was stupid.

"Don't you know that's JAKE THE DOG......MUM?????"

We bought the backpack.

Now excuse me, I must go. I've got shopping to do and it includes a visit to the baby aisle!

Farmer's Wifey xo

Free Time

 

I am really enjoying these school holidays.  Because I'm not working as much, I have time....free time to enjoy with the kids in the sunshine.

So what have we been doing?

Hanging out in the Library once a week! Yes, we are library snobs, in the nicest possible way. I book the computers for the kids, I enjoy a cup of tea from the tea and coffee cart Wednesdays and Fridays from 9.30 am.

We take out books, dvds and magazines and replace them the next week.  We are now regulars.  I like that!

So what else?

Fishing and crabbing in the boat :: Cinemas :: Picnics in the park :: Kids over for sleepovers :: Shopping :: Lunching :: Trampoling ::  Bushwalks :: Visits to Nanny and Poppy :: Eisteddfod gazing :: Rodeo :: Chess :: Horse Riding :: Lego :: Sleep ins :: Lazy mornings and even lazier afternoons :: Afternoon siestas :: Dvd nights curled up on the couch :: Quad and motor bike riding :: Xbox :: Cooking :: Cuddles :: Family time ::

We've even spring cleaned the kids bedrooms, cleaned and uncluttered and dusted and organised!

No stress.  No deadlines.  Just free time.

My heart is happy.

Spring Has Sprung

Welcome to Spring!

With the change of season comes a new look for my blog!  You like?

It feels like forever since I've checked in, but so much has happened in the last month or so! I have a new job, and I'm loving it!  It's in retail, in a big shop that sells beautiful things - linen, home decor, pretty gifts and table ware.

Yes it's heavenly! I'm doing 3 shifts a week and it's a perfect fit. Having time at home has shown me how much I was struggling working full time.  My priorities have definitely changed.  I have the time now to focus on the important things and I am a much calmer person.  Or so the kids tell me!

Football season has finished for the two little ones, and we hope to look into Athletics for the summer months. Dancing and musicals continue, the Eisteddfod is right around the corner, and school activities are keeping us busy.

I love this time of year.  Once September begins, it is only a sleigh ride into Christmas! And you know how I feel about that -

 Happy Happy Happy!

The weather is glorious right now, it's warm outside and I've been sitting on the deck every morning, soaking it in.  My head is clear and my heart is happy. 

It's a good place to be.

Seems Like Yesterday

Exactly 1 year ago, my adventure to Blogher 2013 began. I fell in love with Chicago and New York, and the love affair continues today.

 

Reflection

I've been officially unemployed for 20 days now.  Without job, lady of leisure and my personal favourite semi retirement are phrases being kicked around.

Despite a lack of money and feeling very weird, I'm doing okay. It was good to go away for school holidays but now we are back, and school has begun, I'm trying to get grounded and work out what to do next.

I must say that I don't, for one moment, regret resigning from my job.  It feels as if a dark cloud has been lifted, yes cliche I know but a fitting one. I now realise how ridiculously busy I was, how much stress I was carrying around and how I've been missing out on so many different things.

I'm definitely calmer, I can feel it in my soul. Those feelings of worry about fitting it all in, of doing things half heartedly and not having enough time have gone.

My choice has been a good one.

And I've been baking!  Yeah I can't believe it either!  Homemade treats for the lunchboxes, thank you very much!  I'm making an orange and chocolate chip cake tomorrow because we have an abundance of oranges and mandarins on our trees.

They are delicious!

Today the kids and I walked down to the trees and picked some fruit, it was such a beautiful day.  Not a sound and such peace and quiet. These precious, easy moments are what I've been missing.

I plan to have many more.

To Belong

I was born and bred in a regional city in New South Wales, with a population (at the moment) of around 21000 people.  I grew up surrounded by family and friends, and felt comfortable and safe with the familiarity of my hometown.

For the last 18 years I've lived in Queensland, the last 6 of those on our farm. This is now my home, where I am raising my family and I couldn't think of any other place I would rather be.  Fresh clean air, a country lifestyle and beautiful weather!

We have just returned from a school holiday roadtrip back to my birthplace, 3200 kilometres in total, and all I can say is thank God for ipods, ipads and portable dvd players!

We drove inland through many small country towns, and we like to go this way as the scenery is very pretty and interesting. We have our usual traditions of course, the Rocket Ship Park at Moree, and our most favourite cafe for breakfast in Narrabri Watson's Kitchen.

I was the first to spot the huge radio telescope at Parkes, winning me a fredo frog thanks Hubbster and we laughed at each crazy sculpure of the quirky Animals on Bikes.

It was so good to see my family, albeit for a short time.  I really miss them, distance is a hard thing to deal with, especially when it becomes time to leave. 

I hate goodbyes.

There is something so grounded about revisiting old haunts.  The familiarity, the nostalgia, the emotion of belonging somewhere.  The delicious memories of growing up and discovering yourself.

I love my hometown and I'll always have that, but I love my new home, I really do.  This is where I belong now, the country hills, the beautiful weather, the peace and quiet of our farm.

It's been a dynamic change and I couldn't ask for anything more.

Tell me about your hometown,  What are your memories?