October 15, 2014
Miscarriage is Not a dirty word.
I always feel a bit staby at this time of year.
For just two days actually, the 15th and 16th of October.
Not staby in a mean, self centred way, but more a vibe of leave me alone, I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'll be back to normal on the 17th.
Tomorrow it will be 15 years since I lost my Dad, I miss him every day.
Today October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
I wrote the passage below in 2009, between my 5th and 6th miscarriage. I obviously wasn't in a good place, I was a cranky, wretched teary mess on the downward slippery slide into situational depression.
You are coming to the end of your time now....3 weeks to go you say.
You sigh about how uncomfortable you feel, the sleepless nights, the sore back....oh how you can't wait for it to be over.
I can't understand how you can feel like that, I never wanted it to be over for me. I still don't. I enjoyed every moment, I knew I was blessed....
You look forward to shedding the roomy clothes, to getting back to normal. It will be good to hear the baby steps in your house again. You are excited.
You don't know me...you don't know what I have been through so who am I to judge you? But what I would give to be 3 weeks away from bliss.....
Your delicious excitement is exactly how I would feel...I can't blame you. And yet, I can't listen anymore. I know I am blessed...so lucky that it makes me cry. But the sharp spear of pain that pierces my heart when I listen to you, feels like it will go on forever.
That was deep.
Not long after I wrote that, after 3 years of trying for another baby, we gave up, and continued owner building The Money Pit. Life went on and it was good.
I healed emotionally, but I never forgot. I counted my blessings, in the form of 3 noisy, country, healthy kids.
Fast forward to 2010. On my 43rd birthday, I found myself in the bathroom of a restaurant peeing on a stick. Two dark lines.
What the actual fuck?
I told my husband 3 days later, who acting somewhat like a stunned teenager and said "how did this happen".
Remember that 5 minutes before Desperate Housewives a few Monday nights ago....?
This one was the most surprising of all, because every other time I would plead to see two lines, and then pray that it would stick. But it never would.
No explanation, no medical reason why after 3 healthy children, I just couldn't carry a baby. All first trimester miscarriages, which doesn't lessen the pain or grief. A loss is a loss at any time.
I wasn't prepared for this. I was over it, we had moved on and now my hopes were high again. This one was lost just before 3 months, after seeing the heartbeat and choosing a name.
I think the thing that helped me get through this was sharing my story and not hiding it away. So many women had similar experiences, who struggled with infertility and baby loss. It's not a nice club to be a part of, but the strength and understanding that comes from it is everything.
Today I'm good. I've healed but I haven't forgotten. I see pregnancy as the blessing it is, I love expectant mothers and the excitement that comes with it. It's a beautiful time.
So I'm thinking of others today and hope they have healed. Love to you.
For support and understanding, please contact Sands.
Farmer's Wifey xo