October 17, 2009

Dad - 10 years

Today it has been 10 years since I lost my crazy, wickedly funny, infuriating at times but loved beyond words....Dad. I will never forget how I felt - like I had lost a part of what had made me, never to be revisited.

Today I had feelings in my belly like when you are on a rollercoaster....I thought of him and I would feel a whoosh of air heading up to my face and I had to blink away tears. I thought of how funny he was, how his sense of humour was legendary, and of how at his funeral, members of various bikies gangs came wearing their colours...then disappeared without a sound.

He didn't meet my children, or see our farm, but I was so blessed to have someone as loving and compassionate and understanding as he was, for as long as I did. He was not often serious, but when I needed him, he was there.

I had a bad car accident in my 20's and when I rang him from the hospital, I remember how calm he was, telling me he was coming to get me. I didn't, however, understand how emotionally frightening it would have been for him, as I can appreciate now as I am a parent.

When I am stressed, I dream about him. I have a cassette tape (how eighties!) of him singing as he had a beautiful voice. It was one night with a friend who played guitar, and they decided to sing and tape themselves. He is talking and laughing and I don't listen to it often. I can't. It's too confronting.

Wherever you are, Dad, I hope you are not causing too much trouble, as you are a bit of a rogue, but remember how much we love you, and miss you everyday.


Foursons said...

Wow- I would love to have a tape of my Dad's voice. But at the same time I would probably feel like you and not be able to listen to it much.

jeanie said...

Sounds like a wonderful dad.

Erin said...

I know the feeling, I lost my dad 27 years ago, and my step dad 11 years ago...and I remember them both like it was yesterday! And I STILL blink away the tears!