It has to be said.

 

So, ten days break from blogging and such an emotional, heartwrenching post to come back to.

I wasn't going to write it, but it just can't be ignored.

I may offend, but really, we are way past that.

On December 14, my facebook status read "I'm so sorry my beloved America". 

It was a story that started like a ripple on the water, circles that start off small, and slowly....very slowly....spread outwards into perfect formation, gathering everything in it's wake.

The news was big, and hour by hour, the ripples got bigger...more information, more tragic news, more undescribable disbelief that this could actually be happening.

Again.

The focus this time was about children.  Not teenagers, or young adults in a movie theatre, but little, innocent babies murdered at school.  This focus in no way devalues the loss of the brave and wonderful adults, but it stirs something in us that is just.not.right.

So many children..so many.

Could you just imagine the feeling of rushing to the school and just not knowing what you would find? 

Would your heart stop beating for just a moment? 

Would you be able to breathe?

As a parent I put myself in this position, and it hurts.  Before having children, I could be shocked and saddened by a tragedy, but as a mother I can relate.  It's no less thoughtful, but it is different.

I hope that makes sense.

So what happens now?  The messages of love, hope and support will keep flooding through social media, until the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting becomes a sad reference on Wikipedia.

We will distance ourselves from the exact last moments of the lives of the beautiful children, because it is just too horrific to think about.

The Anniversary will come, ribbons will be worn and a day remembered.

How many of these days will come and go before something is done?  Before laws are changed and people realise that the current focus is not working?

Australia's firearm laws in a nutshell:-

State laws govern the possession and use of firearms in Australia. These laws were largely aligned under the 1996 National Agreement on Firearms. Anyone wishing to possess or use a firearm must have a Firearms Licence and, with some exceptions, be over the age of 18. Owners must have secure storage for their firearms.
Before someone can buy a firearm, he or she must obtain a Permit To Acquire. The first permit has a mandatory 28-day delay before it is first issued. In some states (e.g., Queensland, Victoria, and New South Wales), this is waived for second and subsequent firearms of the same class. For each firearm a "Genuine Reason" must be given, relating to pest control, hunting, target shooting, or collecting. Self-defence is not accepted as a reason for issuing a license, even though it may be legal under certain circumstances to use a legally held firearm for self-defence.
Each firearm in Australia must be registered to the owner by serial number. Some states allow an owner to store or borrow another person's registered firearm of the same category.

Obviously a privilege rather than a right.

And to my beloved America.  The right of the people to keep and bear arms is set out in the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution.

A right, not a privilege.  With a distinct and obvious impact on the gun culture of America.

The right to bear arms while perhaps being relevant hundreds of years ago, to protect ones family from invaders or grizzly bears, could be somewhat outdated now.  From a patriotic viewpoint, I can understand wanting to protect your family, and having the right to do so, but seriously at what cost?

Tougher firearm laws may not have stopped this perpetrator from carrying out last week's atrocity, but it may have made it harder for him to obtain the weapons to do so. 

There is a connection.  It is obvious. We may have just turned a corner because it is just not acceptable for these children to be gone.

October 15th

 

Last years post says it all.....

You can find it here.

The Road.

I was driving home from town last night, along our country road.

My eyes were fixed on the centre, unbroken lines that curve and straighten, guiding me home.

I thought about how my life is mirrored in these unbroken lines.  Sometimes, they are straight, life is good and everything has a cherry on top.

Don't we all want it to be this way?

When the lines curve, my life seems off centre, something happens or takes over and all I want is for the lines to become straight again.

To be back on track. 

To be able to breathe.

Right now, there is a huge curve in The Road, one that is overwhelming and emotional and I really don't know when and how the lines will straighten.

When your child is unwell, when there are many unanswered questions, your mind wanders and the fear of the unknown takes over.

I'll bring you the story, when I can.  When I'm ready to share and release the built up anxiety and sadness and confusion that I feel.

Until then I'll watch the lines on The Road, and hope that they straighten and safely take us home.

The first words I heard were.....

As the title reads, the first words I heard from The Hubbster were:-

Shit, there's a snake in the cage!

Thus yesterday will always be known as Shit, there's a snake in the cage - the massacre.

Easy to joke about now, but last night, when we heard a noisy disturbance coming from the bird aviary holding our mumma and 7 baby guinea fowl, we didn't quite expect to find what we did.

It was night, so The Hubbster and I grabbed our torches and went to the cage, to find the mother bird scared (my guineas are the only ones in history scared of snakes!) and the babies crying in the corner. And I say crying because they were terrified.

Their little birdy tweets told me so.

In the corner was a big brown tree snake squeezing the life out of one of the babies.

It was a terrible sight. We grabbed the closest "long" thing we could find - the pool leaf scooper, and tried to pick the snake up to remove it from the cage. We couldn't get a grip and it slid back under the back of the cage.

Note - when I write "we" I actually mean "The Hubbster".

I held the torch and the camera!

We didn't know what to do. From the time we went and made sure the kids were standing on the table, as we have a rule here that is "when there's a snake about, stand on the table", to the time we walked back to the cage, the snake had gone BACK in and was squeezing a second baby AND eating ANOTHER baby alive.

It was horrific. The other babies were crying, the mumma bird was frantic.

I felt sick.

We opened the cage and let the mother bird out, and used our cute little fishing net to scoop the remaining 4 babies out and they found their mumma and took off into the paddock.

We left the snake there to finish his meal and we were going to try to scoop it out when it was nice and fat. The kids had a quick look when the baby was in the snakes belly, and we could see the big lump moving down as the baby was digested.

He then disappeared under the cage again, but left the other two dead babies there.

Killed three, ate one.

I have some photos of the incident, but I'm not going to post them because they are very graphic and upsetting. If you would like to see them out of curiosity, I can email you.

Instead, here are the remaining 4 survivors, who don't seem too frazzled or traumatised today.

Unlike me, who is definately not frazzle free.

Davy May - 12 years.

David Joseph May

31/5/1938 - 16/10/1999

Miss you like crazy, Dad...

Remembering....

Today is the International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Today I remember my 6 little angels who I never met.

And I think about what could have been.....

We always wanted 4 children and we were blessed and very lucky to have had our three. They have grown into energetic, boisterous, beautiful country kids, who I love so dearly.

I always wonder about the others........

Boys or girls. Siblings. Blonde hair or brown.

Recurrent miscarriages are not only hard on the body, but are heart-wrenching emotionally.

With no explanation, it can push you into a very dark place, where the process itself can be even more wanted than the result.

Because it is just so frustrating.

For a brief moment in time, everything is sublime. And then that dark place envelopes you and the ground falls away.

Over and over again...

Sometimes I think to myself, we should just try one more time. I know I am very fertile, even at my age....my body tells me so.

Just one more time...just try......

But I know in my heart it wasn't meant to be. And I wasted so much time wanting, just wanting, what I couldn't have.

I had my blinkers on... focused on staying pregnant and not losing baby after baby that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

I didn't see how blessed I was.

And now as I kiss my babes goodnight I know all is how it should be.......♥♥♥

Wanted: New back, good condition

Oh I've had a jolly time. NOT.

I have a chronic back problem.

My back hates me. That's about it.

I hurt my lower back about 20 years ago, whilst working in child care, carrying tables and not bending correctly. I've had issues on and off during the years, and when I don't stretch and take care of my back, it aches and gives me trouble.

The injury surfaced again in January this year, when I attempted to jog down the road, looking fit and healthy, but instead strained my back again.

After some physio I managed to keep it real until last Wednesday when I was getting out of the car at the bakery, buying the kids a pie and felt a twinge across my upper back.

And it was downhill from there.

The timeline is a very sad affair:-

Thursday - back kind of sore, but tolerable

Friday - back very sore, had some physio before work, and by the end of the day, I was in some degree of pain. The physio taped my back which really only gave me a rash and added to my already bad mood.


Saturday - back stuffed. Can't get out of bed without help. Can't walk, sit down, stand or squat on the loo without serious pain.

How do I explain it? Imagine a heavy glass ball seriously pressing on the lowest part of your back, near your tailbone, and every time you move, the glass ball sends out shards of glass penetrating your legs, arms and hips.

That's what if felt like.

All I could do was cry. Nothing else mattered. Saturday was hell day.

We drove into town and I don't even want to think about how much THAT hurt.

The Hubbster took the kids to a birthday party, but first, deposited me on the steps of the hospital. I was seen right away and perched myself on the edge of a chair and couldn't get up.

Like a little lost kid, I whimpered and sobbed and asked the kind doctor to help me up because I was totally stuck.

He explained that I need to have a management plan for my back, which includes medication for when it is really bad, and an exercise attack program for strengthening my core and my flabby stomach muscles.

I already know this, but you see, when my back feels good, I don't stretch. But I really have to......

The kind doctor gave me an injection of anti inflammatory drugs, and some meds consisting of anti spasm and muscle relaxant wonders, and also a nice little pill (Morphine anyone?) that got me back in the car and home.

Saturday was terrible. It took 10 mins to lay down, and I had to lay flat on my back which put alot of pressure on my chest. When I wanted to get up, The Hubbster had to slowly pull me up by the arm.

Sunday was much the same, but towards the end of the day, the anti inflammatory drugs must have been working, because I felt a little relief. I used a walking stick to get around, which the kids thought hilarious.

Walking sticks are good for reaching things on high shelves and for whacking the kids when they don't listen to me. I think I'll keep it.

Monday I was much better, and I slept most of the day, and just rested.

And today, I have a little more improvement. I'm just so scared of twinging my back again, so my movements are very slow and deliberate.

I have physio on Thursday and expect to get a scolding for not stretching my back and taking care of it. I really need to make this a priority in my life because I have felt so useless not being able to do anything.

The Hubbster and the kids have been amazing. My washing is up to date, the kids are fed and have clean hair and faces, and they have really looked after me. Thank you guys....

How's YOUR back?

Not on our farm you don't...

Before I write this post, I'd like to warn readers that it could be distressing to some, and offensive to others....but that's the way it is......

I love animals, but I'm not a cat person. I don't hate them, they just don't give me pleasure. Saying that, I could never hurt an animal or be cruel to one, but tonight one feline came very close to having it's butt kicked to the next county..or worse.

Recently we have had a visiting cat. We found the owner and have returned the cat 4 times. Our 25 guinea fowl are going nuts and acting all stressed and frazzled because of this cat.

Two nights ago ANOTHER cat turned up, to which I said "we are not a cat resort, go home". The cat didn't go home, and as it has a collar, is probably being missed by its owners.

Or is it?? More about that later...

So tonight when I came home from work, The Hubbster and the kids were most upset because this "domestic"cat had caught and was in the process of eating alive a small, helpless, defenceless, native Marsupial to Australia, (did I say helpless) Bandicoot.

After it had killed it and ripped the head off and gutted it, the cat went away to wash itself...




The Hubbster brought in the little bandicoot, holding it in his hands, still warm and furry and little. And it was a male.

I really thought he was going to cry..he was so upset.

We are taking the cat to the pound tommorrow, so really, it gets off lightly.

Our farm is home to lots of native animals. We have pretty faced wallabies, potaroos, echidnas, possums and these little endangered bandicoots, and we want it to be a safe haven for them.

We don't want feral and unrestrained domestic cats killing our animals on our property, which begs the question:- does the responsibility lie with the owners of these cats to keep them restrained indoors so they don't have the opportunity to cause destruction such as this?

I think it does.

Cats are killers and hunters. It's what they do. It's instinct.

This cat has a collar and is not malnourished. It killed this little animal because it could. It attacked it and killed it and just walked off and left it under the house.

My husband picked it up and it was still warm. What a waste of a beautiful little life.

So we go to the pound tommorrow.

The next cat may not be so lucky.

Red

I searched this morning for something Red, to wear today. I had nothing, no pieces of clothing, no scarves, no hairclips.

So my support for Daniel and his Family is here, in full colour.




















Images from We Heart It

For Clara

The service for my Nanna was held in our beautiful Cathedral.

This is where my parents were married, where I was christened and confirmed, and where my fathers funeral was held.

It was also where I sat one rainy afternoon, a couple of days after my dad had died, looking for some kind of comfort at the most distressing time.

It's beautiful inside. And cold.

The church was full for Nannas' service. I moved to the microphone to support my cousin who was reading the eulogy.

We walked outside into the grey skies and the rain. I watched as my mother mourned for her mother.

That invisible cord that bound them together was no more.

My job for the day was supporting her.

I hugged my cousins and my aunts and uncles. The priest said to me "there is alot of you, isn't there".

I secretly smiled because that statement had so much power.

We have a big family. We have gone our separate ways. But we come together in times like this for each other.

It rained at the cemetery and it was so sad. I looked down at Nannas coffin, lowered in the ground and hoped she wasn't too cold.

She layed next to her husband in peace.

I held it together most of the day. I cried when I said my final goodbye as I dropped a red rose into the ground.

And when her Elvis was played, I came undone.

Travelling Again

I'm back at Sydney Airport. The third time in 10 weeks.

You'd think I would now be a seasoned traveller. But alas I'm just a country hick.

I've forgotten my toothbrush, my deodorant, my long black socks, the headphones for my Ipod and my blingy headband I wanted to wear tommorrow.

I'm obviously going shopping in the morning.

Unfortunately this trip is not a happy blogging experience. My sweet, gentle Nanna has passed away at the age of 92. I'm heading home for her funeral and a reunion that will be epic.

You see, I have a very big family. Mum has 2 sisters and 3 brothers. And I have so many cousins, possibly millions. And they have partners and kids ecetera.

I can't remember the last time we were all together. I mean all of us. Possibly when Pop died and that was over 20 years ago.

It's such a bittersweet reason for all of us to be together. I wish it was a more of a happy time...

But I kind of think how happy Nanna would be knowing HER family are all together.

I'm really missing my kids today. I've felt a bit teary all day, seeing little ones with their parents at the airport and at the train station.

I suppose it has to do with the reason for this trip.

It's nice to get away, but I can't wait to get home to them ♥

Writers Workshop

Mama Kats Writers Workshop

Prompt number 1:- Scarred.

Scarred - 'deeply affected or marked by mental or physical pain or injury'

2010-2011 Queensland Floods.......

Storm and Sunset

I took these photos last week..the first one was of a dark and sinister storm rolling in over the mountains and the water. You can see the rain coming closer and the sky looking angry.

The air was very still and you could feel the anticipation in the air......the calm before the storm.

This next photo actually took me by surprise. I had walked out of the shed to the bathroom and it was just on sunset.

I actually stopped in my tracks and just stared at what was in front of me.

The gum trees were silouetted against the backdrop of the fiery orange sunset, and the clouds were in a particular agreeable formation.

I couldn't move for a few moments and just drank in the visual feast before me.


Little gifts given to us that we may not always appreciate in our busy lives.

We carry on our day oblivious to the fact that things can happen to make the ground beneath us fall away........

It makes me stop. And ponder.

Lori

I've been thinking about Lori all day.

Her hubby is in intensive care fighting for his life.

We are all here for you Lori and we are praying for you and your babes and for Tony...

Christmas Eve

The presents are wrapped. The shopping is done. The kids are in bed and the cake and milk is waiting for Santa.

I have some time to reflect on the past year, the good and the bad, the sadness and the pain and the amazing times we have had.

I always feel very mellow and dreamy on Christmas Eve. It's another year over, and especially this year, I wonder where the time has gone. Wasn't it just yesterday my baby started Prep, I started my new job....and we hoped to be closer to moving into our new home.

It's been a busy year. I did start my new job, the kids all had a place at school in Prep, Grade 2 and Grade 4, we worked on the house, but didn't move in, the girls were busy with dancing, Mr C played football, I got pregnant and lost my baby.......I'll just take a moment.....

This last event pretty much ruined the year, I lost enthusiasm for a lot of things....I am sure I have had what is known as situational depression.

I should be exactly 32 weeks pregnant tonight..but I'm not...and it hurts.....

But I move forward as I always have...I am so blessed to have The Hubbster, my 3 amazing, beautiful healthy children, a wonderful place to live, friends and family who are awesome...shall I go on??

I have so much that I want to do next year..but that's another post.

I find it hard to put into words how I feel tonight. So I'll just let John do it for me.......

Wonderland

I'm sitting in the dark with a glass of wine..watching the AFI Awards. I'm relaxing. I'm chillin'.

I've had a very busy week and the washing is behind and the house (shed) work is behind and the kitchen is a disaster but I don't care because the dance concert is over...and it was a success!

The months (literally) of practice..of routines..and costumes... and the week of rehearsals prior to this event today...is worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears that I have shed...and I have shed blood.....pricking my fingers while sewing straps on a ballet costume.

This year the concert was called Wonderland..the story of Alice...in Wonderland. I am so glad that my girls dance with this particular dance studio.....the choreography, the set design...the imagination.....

Today was the first concert for Miss T (aged 5) and she did beautifully......she was so gorgeous..she had a teeny tiny bit of stage fright..but she danced on and looked like she was having a ball.........

Miss D (aged 9) danced in her 3rd concert..and performed as the March Hare.

She danced her jazz solo as well as acting in the Hatters Tea Party as well as dancing in the irish, ballet, jazz, contempory and cabaret groups......

There are really no words to describe the feeling of watching your child performing on stage..I get so excited and nervous and proud and teary..all at the same time.

There are many parents of the opinion that dance concerts and similiar are a no no for kids..that the hair and makeup and rehearsals are detrimental to a childs development??

Well boo hoo to them....my girls are agile and flexible and healthy and fit..they work as part of a team and are creative and clever...and above all that..they have fun. We wouldn't do it if it wasn't fun......

I felt deflated this evening and Miss D said something to me that made a lot of sense..she said :- "Mum, you know when you look forward to something for a long time and when it's over, you fell kind of....sad....that it's over....well that's how I feel now.."

And that's exactly......how I feel......

Dad - 11 years today

This morning I took the kids to The Coffee Club where they enjoyed pancakes with icecream and maple syrup and I really enjoyed chilli chocolate cake and a cup of English Breakfast Tea.

Quite the contrast to this day 11 years ago when I sat on the back steps of our house, cuddling my two beagles, after receiving the phone call about the death of my Dad.

The world turned, and people went about their day, oblivious to the inner chaos that I felt. I always wonder about that, how one can be in such pain and everyone around them just doesn't feel it.......

But life goes on, doesn't it....