October 15th

 

Last years post says it all.....

You can find it here.

Remembering....

Today is the International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Today I remember my 6 little angels who I never met.

And I think about what could have been.....

We always wanted 4 children and we were blessed and very lucky to have had our three. They have grown into energetic, boisterous, beautiful country kids, who I love so dearly.

I always wonder about the others........

Boys or girls. Siblings. Blonde hair or brown.

Recurrent miscarriages are not only hard on the body, but are heart-wrenching emotionally.

With no explanation, it can push you into a very dark place, where the process itself can be even more wanted than the result.

Because it is just so frustrating.

For a brief moment in time, everything is sublime. And then that dark place envelopes you and the ground falls away.

Over and over again...

Sometimes I think to myself, we should just try one more time. I know I am very fertile, even at my age....my body tells me so.

Just one more time...just try......

But I know in my heart it wasn't meant to be. And I wasted so much time wanting, just wanting, what I couldn't have.

I had my blinkers on... focused on staying pregnant and not losing baby after baby that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

I didn't see how blessed I was.

And now as I kiss my babes goodnight I know all is how it should be.......♥♥♥

Christmas Eve

The presents are wrapped. The shopping is done. The kids are in bed and the cake and milk is waiting for Santa.

I have some time to reflect on the past year, the good and the bad, the sadness and the pain and the amazing times we have had.

I always feel very mellow and dreamy on Christmas Eve. It's another year over, and especially this year, I wonder where the time has gone. Wasn't it just yesterday my baby started Prep, I started my new job....and we hoped to be closer to moving into our new home.

It's been a busy year. I did start my new job, the kids all had a place at school in Prep, Grade 2 and Grade 4, we worked on the house, but didn't move in, the girls were busy with dancing, Mr C played football, I got pregnant and lost my baby.......I'll just take a moment.....

This last event pretty much ruined the year, I lost enthusiasm for a lot of things....I am sure I have had what is known as situational depression.

I should be exactly 32 weeks pregnant tonight..but I'm not...and it hurts.....

But I move forward as I always have...I am so blessed to have The Hubbster, my 3 amazing, beautiful healthy children, a wonderful place to live, friends and family who are awesome...shall I go on??

I have so much that I want to do next year..but that's another post.

I find it hard to put into words how I feel tonight. So I'll just let John do it for me.......

Random because that's the way I roll

Bringing to you another random post full of excitement and wonder...

I just wanted to name and shame our internet provider (skymesh, if you're reading, you suck) for constant bad service, ridiculous reasoning as to why we have constant dropouts and poor signal. I am totally over not being able to receive reliable internet connection, but you are all we have at the moment so I guess we either just pay our account and shutup or disconnect and have no internet.

So I'll just pay. Sigh.



Is it just me or is anyone completely over this year? I am so tired and am looking forward to school finishing and the dance concert to be over. The last week of school involves dance practice every afternoon so it will be full on...the concert will be so worth it though.

We are doing Alice in Wonderland and our concert is titled "Wonderland". Both Miss D (aged 9) and Miss T (aged 5 and in her very first concert!) are performing and I am super excited. Miss D is the March Hare and has a legitimate excuse for acting the goat. Or the hare.



I will be breathing a sigh of relief on Sunday 12th December as we will only then have Christmas and the kids birthdays to deal with. This year has gone so fast and I am not as organised as I usually am.

The best thing about the end of the year, is the beginning of the next, something I truly love. A new year, new beginnings, new chances to focus on the things that matter. I love getting the booklists ready for the new school year, and the anticipation that comes with starting afresh.

I don't, however enjoy covering the huge volume of books needed and will perhaps be outsourcing the job this year. That or drinking way too much wine to cope with the stress of sticky contact.



We were well and truly floored this year when we lost a beloved baby - a surprise but very wanted none the less.....the experience drew us in, sucked us dry and threw us back in the mix. I'm still not over it and don't think I ever will be. Good days versus bad days, that's the way it is.

I want to walk straight again, have the status quo ante restored. I am sure that will come with the arrival of January 1st. I plan to get things in order, find my motivation again and enjoy what life has to offer.


And lastly, we had a little spider and a medium sized frog in the shower the other night. Miss T (aged 5) commented "we have wild animals in there".

For our babies lost

I lit my candle at 7pm for my lost babies as part of the International Wave of Light coinciding with the International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is the first day of Spring, tra-la-la-la-la

Spring has sprung

The grass has ris

I wonder where

The byrdies is...


We have been waiting to say this for months now. It's a tradition for the kids and I to recite this little poem on the first day of Spring, whilst going to school.

Yesterday Mr C tried to say it a day early, much to the disgust of Miss D who tackled him to the ground and gagged him.

So we said it while driving along the dirt road and said adios to winter. (pack your bags buddy, nick off, farewell, and don't come back til next year).

I am so glad Spring is here. For so many reasons. I have been feeling ordinary for a while now.

Up until July 19th, I was happily and nervously pregnant with expectations that did not eventuate. I think I am dealing with my loss in the best way I can.

I'm good on some days, I'm a shitty wreck on others.

Some days I am so tough, I talk myself into being this strong, accepting person, who knows it was just not meant to be.

Other days the ache in my heart makes my eyes sting with tears. I have to bite my lip to stop. And I think "why the fuck......just why?"

A mum came into the office today with a brand newly baked newborn.....I shouldn't have looked but I couldn't resist. She was gorgeous, black hair, pink skin, so tiny and squirming......

I realised how much I want one. I want one but I can't have one. Fuck. It hurts. It's a physical longing I feel for something that isn't meant to be. Because after losing 5, I know.

At least the sun was shining today and it was warm. It is Spring and it is the start of new things. Which is good, because some days I feel like I am walking a tightrope. If I step over just a bit, I will fall into a cavern of....black.

So with Spring brings the beginning of new things..of exercise for my mind, body and soul. I feel good when I am fit and right now, I don't feel that way. When I was pregnant *sigh* I actually put on weight. I had a baby belly.

Imagine my surprise (horror) when I clicked on Calorie King with my weight and height and the message said - almost with a snigger......

Your Body Mass Index indicates that you are overweight.

What the fuck????

I weighed myself and I am 70.4 kg.....my ideal weight is between 47 kg (you've got to be kidding me) and 62 kg. 62 I can live with.

I know I can do it. I did lose weight and was told I was ripped and buffed!! when I became a gym junkie after my 4 miscarriages, 3 years ago. I want to feel like that again. I want the burn. I want to sweat the sadness away. I want that happy feeling.

Fit and healthy = happy =new tattoo. I can live with that.

Random oh Random Post

I really need to do a random post as I have so much to say....I'd suggest you go find a friend to read with you as this will be such an awesome post. I guarantee it!

It will be a mishmash of all the "things" shooting around in my head at the moment..

The Hubbster gave his permission (after a bit of arm twisting and bribery from moi) to share this photo of him and his broken sunglasses - care of either Miss D, Mr C or Miss T, or maybe all three of them conspiring to piss The Hubbster off....


I was trying to figure out why we have no socks around the place..especially on Monday mornings when I am running late for work. I did a scout around yesterday and looked into a few nooks and crannies (and behind and under lounge chairs and in the car) and guess what I found:-


Yes, this badass pile of socks (25 in all) and they probably don't even freakin' match.

I'm going to ZUMBA tommorrow with a friend. If you haven't heard of Zumba, you have obviously been living under a rock, or have no access to television telemarketing.

I've heard that Zumba is a fun, easy way to get fit and meet friends. With my dance background I shouldn't find it too difficult. Maybe I'll stand in the back row just to be sure...

Apparently, after a month of doing Zumba, I should look like this.


If I don't look like this, I'll be getting a full refund and sitting my butt and rock hard abs (not) back on the goddam couch.

We had a great day on Sunday at the Multicultural Festival, where Miss D danced her National Romanian group dance on stage. She looked divine and I was so proud of her. And her smile.

I saw a mum and dad with a toddler and brand new triplets..two little boys in a double pram and a little girl in mummys sling. I had a pang of jeolousy..and sadness...then an "I wish it was me moment" before melting at the sight of these gorgeous babes...

We met up with 2 other mums and all of our kids had fun on the rides including the dodgem cars, various jumping castles and the rock climbing wall where my kids kicked ass....

I was so happy, because my three kids were happy. They relished in spending time with their friends, and it was sunny and warm and we were together and life was good.

Life IS good.

BUT if my kids don't get out of bed at a reasonable time in the mornings, and help get organised for school, I swear to God I will hose them. I even bought a water spray bottle today that I am going to spray them with tommorrow if they won't get up. This should make a little less mess than bringing the hose in.

The Hubbster and I visited the bathroom supply shop the other day and decided on our bathroom fitouts for The Money Pit.

Our vanitys will be to the floor and I really like this style of basin, that sits on top of the vanity. What do you think?






I still think about my lost little one. Every day. I water his (her) plant and say hello..which is fine because I also talk to my guinea fowl and my chickens, so what's a plant matter?

I bought some new nail polish the other day. It's sort of this colour.




I've never bought anything like this colour before and can't wait to paint my nails. I also bought 10 cakes of soap for $4.95. Bargain.

I've decided to wear my bling instead of hiding it away. I'm always scared of losing my jewellery so I don't wear it. But I'm going to go out looking shiny and expensive.

I walked past two mums at the school gate the other day discussing morning sickness remedies and birthing information, and I twinged a bit. I looked straight ahead and walked on thinking "take it somewhere else will ya".

My blog. My bitch.

Mr C (aged 7) got in the car the other day all distressed and exclaimed:-

"we can't go anywhere yet, I have no technology!!!!!!!!!!!!!" meaning ipod or dsi game.

I love him.

Gettin ma shit together

As the title suggests, this is what I'll be doing next week.

Until then, allow me another few days to wallow in my own self pity, and woe is me mood, and then on Monday I'll get my shit together.

I start back at work on then, so I really need to snap out of this snarky mood I'm in.

I spent all last night reading a blog about a little 3 year old girl, who lives in a hospital and is very sick. She is beautiful. Her mum and dad are beautiful and they are trying their best to be normal and happy. They are blessed. I was very humbled by this story.

But then this morning, I found out another mum at school who I see twice a day, is just pregnant, which now makes two. And I was further along then both of them. So why am I unpregnant and they still are (that's my irrational side thinking).

And then I spoke to a mum of 1 who has been trying for another child for years. I would love her to have a baby and I would be so happy for her. Not unlike the mum I saw this morning at the shops, blowing cigarette smoke onto her grubby and underdressed toddler, telling her friend that she is 20 weeks pregnant and is having a girl.

But who am I to judge?

I suppose with emotions, they go up and down at different times, and I have to deal with them. The thing that really pisses me atm is that I was over this emotional stuff 3 years ago. I'd moved on. Right now, I feel like I am right back there, and now I will have months and months of this sad, pathetic crap to deal with.

10 weeks ago I was happy. Really happy. We were building our house, the kids were settled. I was happy.

Then I was given this little baby and along with him (her) a lot of hopes, dreams, stress and excitement.

And it was taken away just as quick. Why the hell was it given with one hand and taken away with the other? I really just don't understand this.

I have to get it together. There is so much I want (need) to do. I only have one life. And I have a family. I am so lucky. We are all healthy, we live in the sunshine, we might actually live in The Money Pit next year.

And I can dance. See, I am very very blessed.

Another day

It's raining today, so that is my excuse to sit at the computer and drink tea and eat chocolate biscuits. I have this week off work so I am not doing alot, although there is lots to do, but I'm just being kind to myself. I really just want to stay home by myself...

I suppose my posts over the next few weeks will be peppered with references to my little one..so please stay with me.

I must tell you what happened a couple of weeks ago. Miss D (aged 9) was due to do her Grade 3 Ballet and National exams, we had kept her under cotton wool for weeks, because this was a very important day for her.

The day before the exam, she decided to ride her bike around the property, but 10 minutes later she came running and screaming to me with....blood all over her face, blood running down both arms, and a look of horror on her face..

She had come off her bike, and skidded on the gravel on her front. Her chin, chest and belly and both arms were gravel rashed........I thought about grabbing the camera for a quick pic for my blog, but that's not very motherly so I dashed her to accident and emergency instead.

She had one elbow glued and steri stripped back together, and the other areas dressed. She was so worried about her exam the next day, but being a tough little trooper she did the exam and she got HONOURS! I am so proud of her.....

I had a couple of hours to spare last night as Miss D was at dancing. I decided to browse in Kmart to fill in the time. I first went to the kids clothing section to see if there was anything I could buy. I bought Miss D some cute underwear as she has been so good lately, not unlike a few weeks ago when she turned into the Tween From Hell.

I then went across to the baby section, I just couldn't help myself. I looked at the tiny clothes, and the little baby rattles and the cute baby singlets, and the prams and carseats, all that I had looked at a few weeks ago. The only difference was that I was pregnant back then and had a purpose for looking. This time I was just drawn there to add to my depressed mood I had yesterday.

I was so down yesterday that I even cried and cried at the "made for tv midday movie" Yesterday's Children, and when I found out it was based on a true story, that only made me feel worse.

So anyway back to today. I left the baby section, and went across to the ladies clothing. I looked at some gym clothes, and reminded myself that I have to get fit again, as I know when I am fit, my emotional and mental state is good. And I really really want to be happy this Christmas.

Then I went across to the book section, and I can easily stand for an hour looking at books. I came across this book, Small Miracles and had read half of it while standing there, so I thought I'd had better buy it, so I am reading it atm and it is really helping me.

I am thinking of becoming involved with the Bonnie Babes Foundation as a way of healing myself, and at the same time helping others. I did look into it before but didn't go any further. Perhaps, now, the time is right..

Always wondering....

The Hubbster and I spent the afternoon sitting in the front doorway of The Money Pit, in the sunshine, watching the kids ride the quad bike and their pushbikes. They spent the entire day outside building bike jumps while we discussed bathroom fitouts.

We have decided on the layout of the bathrooms so that is one thing out of the way. We have decided after the events of the last few months that we will fasttrack our house build as we (I) am desperate to get it finished and move in.

I promise to get to your blogs when I can. We have had crappy internet connection all weekend, that I shall be dealing with tommorrow (watch out internet provider).

There have been two things on my mind during the last couple of days. I can't seem to stop thinking of them, and unfortunately I will never know the answers.

The first one is that I will never know why my baby's heart stopped beating. We saw the heartbeat @ 6 weeks, then @ 9 weeks, there was no heartbeat. I will always wonder why my baby died, why the little heart stopped, and what exactly caused it to happen.

I did everything I could to make sure this one would stick.

The second thing is that I am wondering at what stage a baby (my baby) can think. I must google this to find out. @ 8, 9 or 10 weeks, could my baby think, did my baby know that he (or she) was alive?

Did my baby know how much I adored him (or her) even during these early weeks?

This really makes my heart break.

Good Therapy

Warning: the following post could be upsetting to some readers.

I'm feeling okay today. I've only cried once so that's a good start. Little things trigger me off but I'll learn to keep that under control.

At the moment, I don't feel the desire to punch every pregnant woman I see, not unlike Wednesday (after coming out of a scan to find out if any "products of conception" remained, only to be confronted with a woman with her own products of conception sitting proudly under her shirt...)

Or yesterday, while visiting my doctor to make sure I didn't have to go to hospital, and having to sit across from a woman whom I honestly thought would birth there and then on the floor. I hated her. I don't know her, or her history but I can hate her for just a while.

I did get over these feelings three years ago, and now I feel like I have rewinded back to then and now I have to get over it all again. I could easily, easily become obsessed again. So easily it scares me. But I won't allow this to happen.

I know that time heals, and I have actually been reading alot of infertility forums and the stories there are so sad but they make me feel so blessed to have my little family. Couples that have been trying for 5 or 8 or even 16 years, have failure after failure, multiple miscarriages only to come home to empty arms.

I needed and I craved my children this week, I couldn't wait for them to gallop from the car, after The Hubbster collected them from school. They ran noisily to me, with hugs and kisses then they started fighting so I knew things were back to normal. And I liked it!

So my dilemma today was what to do with my little one, who thankfully passed intact, and who has been stored in the back of my fridge since yesterday. Gross to some people, but to others who have lost babies, completely understandable. We named our baby @ 6 weeks when we saw the heartbeat....but the name will never pass our lips.

I cannot just flush a part of me down the toilet, and as I am in need of some good therapy, alcohol (after 7 months of sobriety) and healing, I decided to do this.


If The Money Pit and our garden had been finished, I would plant him (her) there..but I did something else and I buried him (her) in a big terracota pot, and planted a lovely shrub. Which incidently is called Little Boy Blue.

Miscarriage is a Dirty Word.

Well it's time for me to 'fess up.

This week I lost a baby. Or I had a miscarriage. Or my dream was shattered. Whichever way you say it, it's the same thing. This was my special project I was working on, which sadly won't be published now. Our little one was @ 10 weeks....

I wasn't going to blog about this, but since it is so much a part of me, how could I not? I've been through this many times before actually, but it is harder this time because we had given up trying for that elusive 4th baby, moved on, gotten over the "baby obsessive thing" and then bang out of the blue, we are at the starting line..again.

And it's even more difficult because this time we saw the little heartbeat. It's heartbreaking, really, but I'm not going to whine and whinge and write about my world falling apart (how could I even think that when I have 3 beautiful babes who love me).....

It's more like my world has been kicked and dented, and only time will inflate that dent to be whole again. It's been a very traumatic week, emotionally and physically, and I can honestly say at one point my bathroom looked like a murder scene....well sarcasm is all I have left....as I am spent.

Thankfully I should (will) recover on my own and go on to be chastised, frustrated and loved by my 3 babes who I love so much it hurts.

I'm back..finally

I'm back. I hope you missed me. I was off line for longer than I had planned.

In that time, various spam comments kept my blog going, so thanks heaps for those. Whoever you are!

The reason I have been away, is not a happy one. It had to do with my new project, that sadly won't be taking place now. I don't want to go any further, as I don't want my blog to turn into some whiney, woe is me rant.

But if you would like to know what happened, just email me and I'll fill you in...I'll maybe share it on here one day, but it's just too raw to do so just yet.

So back to business. We had a good holiday. It was freezing and I spent alot of the time in front of the heater in my dressing gown and slippers (for Gods sake, how old am I?)

The kids were good in the car, it was a 2/3 day trip one way so we had dvds and cds to keep them occupied.

Although the behaviour in the motels was a different matter.....I honestly thought we would get a knock on the door and a invitation to "take your feral, noisy animals (kids) outa here immediately"...

They just go crazy when we stay in motels...they like to jump on the beds and tear around. Not unlike being at home really.

We spent a day in Canberra, and froze our bits off...it was so cold there. We went to the Australian War Memorial and of course my camera batteries were flat so I couldn't take any photos.

Except for one, and all I asked the kids was to pose for a really nice photo in front of a very important building.

And this is what I got:-

Missing.....

You are coming to the end of your time now....3 weeks to go you say.

You sigh about how uncomfortable you feel, the sleepless nights, the sore back....oh how you can't wait for it to be over.

I can't understand how you can feel like that, I never wanted it to be over for me. I still don't. I enjoyed every moment, I knew I was blessed....

You look forward to shedding the roomy clothes, to getting back to normal. It will be good to hear the baby steps in your house again. You are excited.

You don't know me...you don't know what I have been through so who am I to judge you? But what I would give to be 3 weeks away from bliss.....

Your delicious excitement is exactly how I would feel...I can't blame you. And yet, I can't listen anymore. I know I am blessed...so lucky that it makes me cry. But the sharp spear of pain that pierces my heart when I listen to you, feels like it will go on forever.

Remembering....

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day....a subject close to my heart. Four times over.....but that's another post...