July 23, 2010

Good Therapy

Warning: the following post could be upsetting to some readers.

I'm feeling okay today. I've only cried once so that's a good start. Little things trigger me off but I'll learn to keep that under control.

At the moment, I don't feel the desire to punch every pregnant woman I see, not unlike Wednesday (after coming out of a scan to find out if any "products of conception" remained, only to be confronted with a woman with her own products of conception sitting proudly under her shirt...)

Or yesterday, while visiting my doctor to make sure I didn't have to go to hospital, and having to sit across from a woman whom I honestly thought would birth there and then on the floor. I hated her. I don't know her, or her history but I can hate her for just a while.

I did get over these feelings three years ago, and now I feel like I have rewinded back to then and now I have to get over it all again. I could easily, easily become obsessed again. So easily it scares me. But I won't allow this to happen.

I know that time heals, and I have actually been reading alot of infertility forums and the stories there are so sad but they make me feel so blessed to have my little family. Couples that have been trying for 5 or 8 or even 16 years, have failure after failure, multiple miscarriages only to come home to empty arms.

I needed and I craved my children this week, I couldn't wait for them to gallop from the car, after The Hubbster collected them from school. They ran noisily to me, with hugs and kisses then they started fighting so I knew things were back to normal. And I liked it!

So my dilemma today was what to do with my little one, who thankfully passed intact, and who has been stored in the back of my fridge since yesterday. Gross to some people, but to others who have lost babies, completely understandable. We named our baby @ 6 weeks when we saw the heartbeat....but the name will never pass our lips.

I cannot just flush a part of me down the toilet, and as I am in need of some good therapy, alcohol (after 7 months of sobriety) and healing, I decided to do this.

If The Money Pit and our garden had been finished, I would plant him (her) there..but I did something else and I buried him (her) in a big terracota pot, and planted a lovely shrub. Which incidently is called Little Boy Blue.


Melissa {Suger} said...

If anyone gets the urge to punch pregnant women it's me. Not that I would. Or that I think you would. But know... I get it.

The plant is a wonderful idea.

Veronica Foale said...

I like this, somehow, planting something helps, for me.


Diminishing Lucy said...

In my infertile days I was known to mutter bad stuff under my breath at pregnant ladies.

Planting is a wonderful therapy. Well done.

We planted an olive tree for the baby we lost. It helped, so much.

Ms. G said...

I'm so sorry. This is something that my brother and his wife have struggled with multiple times as well and I know how painful it is for them.
I think your idea is lovely.

Just Add Walter said...

what you are feeling is perfectly natural and you should not be ashamed of it (but don't ACTUALLY go punch any pregnant ladies in the stomach, ok?)

I love the plant idea - literally brought tears to my eyes. That is a great memorial for your lost little one!

Jason, as himself said...

I have never considered what mothers do with their tiny ones who don't make it past early pregnancy. Of course you wouldn't just flush him or her down the toilet. I think it is beautiful what you did.

I'm sorry this happened to you. When I was married to Claire we had three miscarriages.

Foursons said...

Hang in there girl. ((hugs))

Toni said...

I'm so sorry your baby is gone.
I get the whole fridge thing, we did the same while I painted a little box with teddy bears and train, and then we placed it in the front garden under a frangipani cos they're my favourite flower.
Miscarriage IS a dirty word, so many people have been through it and yet we don't talk about it.
One of the reasons I love bloggers who blog warts and all is that others reading it can feel normal again.
So thankyou for your honesty and bravery.

Kakka said...

Beautiful idea. Hugs xxx

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

I think this is a beautiful tribute.

I'm sorry your heart has a hole in it right now. While the hole will never completely go away, it will get smaller with time.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Unknown said...

I am sorry this happened to you. It is never right to flush and forget something that was part of us for so long. What you did was the right thing to do.

jeanie said...

I am so sorry, Farmerswifey - I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through. All I can offer is cyber hugs.

Nikkers said...

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Be kind to yourself and take care.