September 2, 2010

Today is the first day of Spring, tra-la-la-la-la

Spring has sprung

The grass has ris

I wonder where

The byrdies is...

We have been waiting to say this for months now. It's a tradition for the kids and I to recite this little poem on the first day of Spring, whilst going to school.

Yesterday Mr C tried to say it a day early, much to the disgust of Miss D who tackled him to the ground and gagged him.

So we said it while driving along the dirt road and said adios to winter. (pack your bags buddy, nick off, farewell, and don't come back til next year).

I am so glad Spring is here. For so many reasons. I have been feeling ordinary for a while now.

Up until July 19th, I was happily and nervously pregnant with expectations that did not eventuate. I think I am dealing with my loss in the best way I can.

I'm good on some days, I'm a shitty wreck on others.

Some days I am so tough, I talk myself into being this strong, accepting person, who knows it was just not meant to be.

Other days the ache in my heart makes my eyes sting with tears. I have to bite my lip to stop. And I think "why the fuck......just why?"

A mum came into the office today with a brand newly baked newborn.....I shouldn't have looked but I couldn't resist. She was gorgeous, black hair, pink skin, so tiny and squirming......

I realised how much I want one. I want one but I can't have one. Fuck. It hurts. It's a physical longing I feel for something that isn't meant to be. Because after losing 5, I know.

At least the sun was shining today and it was warm. It is Spring and it is the start of new things. Which is good, because some days I feel like I am walking a tightrope. If I step over just a bit, I will fall into a cavern

So with Spring brings the beginning of new things..of exercise for my mind, body and soul. I feel good when I am fit and right now, I don't feel that way. When I was pregnant *sigh* I actually put on weight. I had a baby belly.

Imagine my surprise (horror) when I clicked on Calorie King with my weight and height and the message said - almost with a snigger......

Your Body Mass Index indicates that you are overweight.

What the fuck????

I weighed myself and I am 70.4 ideal weight is between 47 kg (you've got to be kidding me) and 62 kg. 62 I can live with.

I know I can do it. I did lose weight and was told I was ripped and buffed!! when I became a gym junkie after my 4 miscarriages, 3 years ago. I want to feel like that again. I want the burn. I want to sweat the sadness away. I want that happy feeling.

Fit and healthy = happy =new tattoo. I can live with that.


Sandra said...

Well hitting the gym will make for great blog fodder! Hope you'll let us follow your progress.
PS: It's so funny to read that you are entering spring. Here in Canada it's almost fall. I like it better where you are!

Diminishing Lucy said...

Hey sweets

First of all, I just realised that the date of July 19th is the same, for you an I, for our losses. 8 years apart, same pain. Again, I am sorry you are feeling so crap at times. xx

The weight loss did it before, you can do it again, with stule and aplomb.

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

If it brings you any comfort, think of your 5 and our 3 playing together while they're waiting for us to join them. And grieve in whatever way you need.


Starfish said...

Cyber hugs, I know that hurt, and the subsequent emotional rollercoaster can be hell.

But here's to Spring and new beginnings.

Oh, and I think we might be exactly the same size (our current and goal weights are the same) and I also plan to reward myself with a new tattoo! Do you have one picked already?

Melissa {Suger} said...

Awww love. Those damn cute newborn sneak attacks...

Words fail me. But I think I want to say do whatever works for you, I think you told me that once. Or something equally as wonderful.

See, this is what I am reduced to, plagiarism. :oP

Doodles said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss I can't begin to imagine. I would love to just give you a huge bear hug.

It's so funny that it's spring where you are as it's close to the beginning of fall here.

Melbourne Mumma said...

Sorry to hear of your loss. Yes, the gym and getting strong enough to tackle anything always helps!

Anonymous said...

a very touching post, i am sorry to hear about your losses..
i lost my mother around that time, and although i know that's not the same, i can somewhat relate to dealing with grief and pulling yourself together for new, fresh beginnings. all the best for you!