Until then, allow me another few days to wallow in my own self pity, and woe is me mood, and then on Monday I'll get my shit together.
I start back at work on then, so I really need to snap out of this snarky mood I'm in.
I spent all last night reading a blog about a little 3 year old girl, who lives in a hospital and is very sick. She is beautiful. Her mum and dad are beautiful and they are trying their best to be normal and happy. They are blessed. I was very humbled by this story.
But then this morning, I found out another mum at school who I see twice a day, is just pregnant, which now makes two. And I was further along then both of them. So why am I unpregnant and they still are (that's my irrational side thinking).
And then I spoke to a mum of 1 who has been trying for another child for years. I would love her to have a baby and I would be so happy for her. Not unlike the mum I saw this morning at the shops, blowing cigarette smoke onto her grubby and underdressed toddler, telling her friend that she is 20 weeks pregnant and is having a girl.
But who am I to judge?
I suppose with emotions, they go up and down at different times, and I have to deal with them. The thing that really pisses me atm is that I was over this emotional stuff 3 years ago. I'd moved on. Right now, I feel like I am right back there, and now I will have months and months of this sad, pathetic crap to deal with.
10 weeks ago I was happy. Really happy. We were building our house, the kids were settled. I was happy.
Then I was given this little baby and along with him (her) a lot of hopes, dreams, stress and excitement.
And it was taken away just as quick. Why the hell was it given with one hand and taken away with the other? I really just don't understand this.
I have to get it together. There is so much I want (need) to do. I only have one life. And I have a family. I am so lucky. We are all healthy, we live in the sunshine, we might actually live in The Money Pit next year.
And I can dance. See, I am very very blessed.
8 comments:
You are VERY blessed, but you've also been dealt a crappy hand, so wallow all you need to. We'll all be listening.
I'm sure god has laid a way for you. You are blessed and that makes me really happy. As Toni said, we'll all be listening.
The time you need to rant will get less, and your shit will come together quicker. In time. In time.
And in between times, just feel what you feel. You're allowed.
xx
Okay WTH...where have I been! Sheesh! I just read back over your whole blog...and I had no clue!
I am so sorry for your loss, it's heartbreaking. I've lost several...I'm sending you lots of hugs!!
Chocolate. Hot tea. Showers to cry in. Indulgent books and more chocolate.
Be kind to yourself.
xx
rant like everyone is listening... coz we are. XO
Oh crap! :( I'm sorry I missed this until now (where the hell have I been?)
Totally sympathise with your contentment feeling like it's all gone to shit and 'what for??'. Sucks the worst. Has happened to me twice in less than 2 yrs. You juuuust get your head around welcoming this new little life and then zip. Off it flits again.
I am SO sorry. Please contact me if you want to, am all ears and eyes. xx
Wow! I had no idea of all that you've been going through.
Working has really cut into my bloggy time but know that I think about you often. I'm sending you hugs from afar.
Love ya,
T
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