October 15, 2011

Remembering....


Today is the International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Today I remember my 6 little angels who I never met.

And I think about what could have been.....

We always wanted 4 children and we were blessed and very lucky to have had our three. They have grown into energetic, boisterous, beautiful country kids, who I love so dearly.

I always wonder about the others........

Boys or girls. Siblings. Blonde hair or brown.

Recurrent miscarriages are not only hard on the body, but are heart-wrenching emotionally.

With no explanation, it can push you into a very dark place, where the process itself can be even more wanted than the result.

Because it is just so frustrating.

For a brief moment in time, everything is sublime. And then that dark place envelopes you and the ground falls away.

Over and over again...

Sometimes I think to myself, we should just try one more time. I know I am very fertile, even at my age....my body tells me so.

Just one more time...just try......

But I know in my heart it wasn't meant to be. And I wasted so much time wanting, just wanting, what I couldn't have.

I had my blinkers on... focused on staying pregnant and not losing baby after baby that I didn't see what was right in front of me.

I didn't see how blessed I was.

And now as I kiss my babes goodnight I know all is how it should be.......♥♥♥

21 comments:

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

Sorry for your losses Michelle.

I kissed my sleeping babes goodnight tonight and yes , my greatest loss was my greatest gain !
Thinking of you today xo

My Pigeon Pair said...

Thinking of you and all the others that have experienced this heart wrenching experience. Thank you so much for sharing such beautiful words. xx

Kirsty said...

Thinking of you today Michelle, I haven't been through this before and couldn't imagine how hard it much be x

Jane said...

I hear you Michelle - you have expressed that so beautifully. I experienced two miscarriages before being blessed with two precious healthy treasures. hope you have a good weekend. Jane x
ps. thanks for following, it's nice to be friends with you. Jane x

Farmers Wifey said...

Thank you so much everyone, I do really appreciate YOUR kind words x

Tina ~ Tina Gray {dot} Me said...

Thinking of you today, Michelle x I know that I have been very lucky not to experience any losses. I can only imagine the heartache it causes.

Mum on the Run said...

I'm so sorry for your unfathomable pain, but of course delighted for your three beautiful blessings - and all that surrounds you.
My thoughts are with you today.
your sense of peace is so admirable.
x

E. said...

My thoughts are with you and everyone else who has lost babies at any stage.

Thank you for reminding me how precious my children really are.

Tara @ Mum-ments said...

Im so sorry for your losses hun biggest hugs to you today
Thankyou for sharing such a personal part of your life
Thankyou for reminding us to see and appreciate whats in front of us right now
xx

Farmers Wifey said...

Aww you guys....thank you x

Muddled Up Mumma said...

I had no idea you'd been through what you have Michelle. I can only imagine how tough it would have been. Until this week, no one I really knew well had lost a baby pre-term, but a close friend did last week, at 17 weeks and my heart really goes out to her and everyone whose babies didn't make it.

Miss Cinders said...

I came to get your email address so I could tell you I was thinking of you today, only to find you had posted...

Every time I come to your blog I see your Miscarriage Survivor badge, and am reminded someone else has been where I have been... that there are are people [Women] out there that 'get' how hard it is/was to get through miscarriage. That it is okay to grieve our beautiful babes we never got to hold like we have our Earth Babes.

Love to you sweets xxx

Farmers Wifey said...

@ Muddled Up Mumma oh I'm so sorry for your friend.....such a tragic, heart wrenching thing xo

@ Miss Cinders I'm sorry lovely, only those who have been through this can truly appreciate how horrific it is.....not only physically but emotionally. I can't even explain the sense of loss I felt, and it was over and over again...Hugs to you xo

Dreaming said...

You are so right when you say only those who have been through this can appreciate the depth of pain and sadness. With each year the pain lessens, but the wondering that you mention is always there. I also had multiple miscarriages and to this day I often think, Gee, that baby would be 20 now. Or, this month would be a Birthday month, or something like that.
God Bless you and your family. Like you, I am thankful for my two healthy, precious boys!

Farmers Wifey said...

@ Dreaming, again as my email said....hugs to you.x

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry for your losses, Michelle. We've suffered recurrant mc (though not as many as you) and I understand a little of what you're talking about. It's shattering. it robs the joy out of any (even a successful) subsequent pregnancy and replaces it with fear and wariness. It takes away our innocence and leaves us forever wondering.

Farmers Wifey said...

@ Melissa, you have explained it spot on.....it does make you worry about every little thing....which I did of course...I'm so sorry to you xx

angela said...

a loss is always devistaing, hug the ones you have remember the ones you lost and know that you were blessed even to have them for that short a time.

Farmers Wifey said...

What a beautiful thing to write xxx

Parental Parody said...

Beautiful post. I'm regularly guilty of neglecting to recognise what I've got, while so caught up in the sarcasm and humour of whining about what the kids have decimated lately. I've been very lucky with my kids, and I know so many others - like you - who have had less luck along the way. Thanks for reminding me to cherish what I have!

And also...thanks for hosting the DP Blog Carnival!

Brenda said...

Love to you, Michelle. Thank you for sharing your story.xx