October 15, 2011
Today is the International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Today I remember my 6 little angels who I never met.
And I think about what could have been.....
We always wanted 4 children and we were blessed and very lucky to have had our three. They have grown into energetic, boisterous, beautiful country kids, who I love so dearly.
I always wonder about the others........
Boys or girls. Siblings. Blonde hair or brown.
Recurrent miscarriages are not only hard on the body, but are heart-wrenching emotionally.
With no explanation, it can push you into a very dark place, where the process itself can be even more wanted than the result.
Because it is just so frustrating.
For a brief moment in time, everything is sublime. And then that dark place envelopes you and the ground falls away.
Over and over again...
Sometimes I think to myself, we should just try one more time. I know I am very fertile, even at my age....my body tells me so.
Just one more time...just try......
But I know in my heart it wasn't meant to be. And I wasted so much time wanting, just wanting, what I couldn't have.
I had my blinkers on... focused on staying pregnant and not losing baby after baby that I didn't see what was right in front of me.
I didn't see how blessed I was.
And now as I kiss my babes goodnight I know all is how it should be.......♥♥♥