July 25, 2010

Always wondering....

The Hubbster and I spent the afternoon sitting in the front doorway of The Money Pit, in the sunshine, watching the kids ride the quad bike and their pushbikes. They spent the entire day outside building bike jumps while we discussed bathroom fitouts.

We have decided on the layout of the bathrooms so that is one thing out of the way. We have decided after the events of the last few months that we will fasttrack our house build as we (I) am desperate to get it finished and move in.

I promise to get to your blogs when I can. We have had crappy internet connection all weekend, that I shall be dealing with tommorrow (watch out internet provider).

There have been two things on my mind during the last couple of days. I can't seem to stop thinking of them, and unfortunately I will never know the answers.

The first one is that I will never know why my baby's heart stopped beating. We saw the heartbeat @ 6 weeks, then @ 9 weeks, there was no heartbeat. I will always wonder why my baby died, why the little heart stopped, and what exactly caused it to happen.

I did everything I could to make sure this one would stick.

The second thing is that I am wondering at what stage a baby (my baby) can think. I must google this to find out. @ 8, 9 or 10 weeks, could my baby think, did my baby know that he (or she) was alive?

Did my baby know how much I adored him (or her) even during these early weeks?

This really makes my heart break.


Nikkers said...

You are right - unfortunately you will never know the answers to your questions. But it's only natural that you can't stop thinking of them.
It's all part of the grieving process - that's what follows when you lose someone you love.
Take care

Olive said...

I want to say something, but don't know how to put my feelings into words. I'd like you to know that I feel for you, and wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better.
Heartfelt hug from me.

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

I understand. I had the same thoughts when we lost ours.


If you ever want to talk, I'm just an email away.

Veronica Foale said...

I think I read somewhere, that even newborns don't have cohesive thought patterns yet. They don't know they're not a part of you and it takes them a while to realise that Mum is a different person. That for the first few months they're a giant ball of sensation and not active thought.

That said, your baby knew the comfort and warmth of your womb, and the calm thud of your heart. Which is exactly as it should be.

I believe in reincarnation and have consoled myself with the thought that maybe, all my lost baby needed was a brief flash of life inside someone who loved them to be whole. I don't know how that makes you feel though.


Kakka said...

Hugs xxx