What is it? It's a???

Last night, Mr C (aged 7) woke me around 4am to take him to the toilet. As we are living in a shed, while we build The Money Pit, our usual trek to the toilet involves, walking out of the sleeping area, into and through the shed, around the back to the toilet block and while walking looking up at the amazing stars we can see...

It was a very foggy night. We could hardly see in front of us. All of the bushland around us was covered in thick fog....

As I tucked Mr C back into bed, I happened to look out of the window to the area between the house and the pool. We have cleared this area, so I was surprised and perplexed to see something. There.

Remember the fog is very thick. The area was eerie and spooky in the early morning before dawn.

I could see a big figure. Too big for a person (and we live out of town, out of sight of the road, so we get no strange visitors), but definately a ghostly "thing".

Now The Hubbster is at work on night shift and my mind started to wander...

First I thought, "this could be a big mother of a kangaroo"

Then I thought, "perhaps it's a cow". Although we don't have cattle yet.

I was staring at it, hoping beyond hope it doesn't move. I just couldn't figure it out.

I jumped into bed and pulled the blankets up past my chin. I then thought it's probably some ghoulish, scary monster, not unlike the one out of the book Gerald's Game
by Stephen King, which to this day remains the scariest thing I have ever read......

Could it be one of those, out of my wild imagination, just like in this book? Although, is it imaginary??....I slowly drifted off to sleep feeling very uneasy and worried.

I woke around 7am and charged to the window, and realised it was not a big mother of a kangaroo. Or some random cow.

I had been freaked out by a tree. Here it is.

Look if you dare.

Gettin ma shit together

As the title suggests, this is what I'll be doing next week.

Until then, allow me another few days to wallow in my own self pity, and woe is me mood, and then on Monday I'll get my shit together.

I start back at work on then, so I really need to snap out of this snarky mood I'm in.

I spent all last night reading a blog about a little 3 year old girl, who lives in a hospital and is very sick. She is beautiful. Her mum and dad are beautiful and they are trying their best to be normal and happy. They are blessed. I was very humbled by this story.

But then this morning, I found out another mum at school who I see twice a day, is just pregnant, which now makes two. And I was further along then both of them. So why am I unpregnant and they still are (that's my irrational side thinking).

And then I spoke to a mum of 1 who has been trying for another child for years. I would love her to have a baby and I would be so happy for her. Not unlike the mum I saw this morning at the shops, blowing cigarette smoke onto her grubby and underdressed toddler, telling her friend that she is 20 weeks pregnant and is having a girl.

But who am I to judge?

I suppose with emotions, they go up and down at different times, and I have to deal with them. The thing that really pisses me atm is that I was over this emotional stuff 3 years ago. I'd moved on. Right now, I feel like I am right back there, and now I will have months and months of this sad, pathetic crap to deal with.

10 weeks ago I was happy. Really happy. We were building our house, the kids were settled. I was happy.

Then I was given this little baby and along with him (her) a lot of hopes, dreams, stress and excitement.

And it was taken away just as quick. Why the hell was it given with one hand and taken away with the other? I really just don't understand this.

I have to get it together. There is so much I want (need) to do. I only have one life. And I have a family. I am so lucky. We are all healthy, we live in the sunshine, we might actually live in The Money Pit next year.

And I can dance. See, I am very very blessed.

Another day

It's raining today, so that is my excuse to sit at the computer and drink tea and eat chocolate biscuits. I have this week off work so I am not doing alot, although there is lots to do, but I'm just being kind to myself. I really just want to stay home by myself...

I suppose my posts over the next few weeks will be peppered with references to my little one..so please stay with me.

I must tell you what happened a couple of weeks ago. Miss D (aged 9) was due to do her Grade 3 Ballet and National exams, we had kept her under cotton wool for weeks, because this was a very important day for her.

The day before the exam, she decided to ride her bike around the property, but 10 minutes later she came running and screaming to me with....blood all over her face, blood running down both arms, and a look of horror on her face..

She had come off her bike, and skidded on the gravel on her front. Her chin, chest and belly and both arms were gravel rashed........I thought about grabbing the camera for a quick pic for my blog, but that's not very motherly so I dashed her to accident and emergency instead.

She had one elbow glued and steri stripped back together, and the other areas dressed. She was so worried about her exam the next day, but being a tough little trooper she did the exam and she got HONOURS! I am so proud of her.....

I had a couple of hours to spare last night as Miss D was at dancing. I decided to browse in Kmart to fill in the time. I first went to the kids clothing section to see if there was anything I could buy. I bought Miss D some cute underwear as she has been so good lately, not unlike a few weeks ago when she turned into the Tween From Hell.

I then went across to the baby section, I just couldn't help myself. I looked at the tiny clothes, and the little baby rattles and the cute baby singlets, and the prams and carseats, all that I had looked at a few weeks ago. The only difference was that I was pregnant back then and had a purpose for looking. This time I was just drawn there to add to my depressed mood I had yesterday.

I was so down yesterday that I even cried and cried at the "made for tv midday movie" Yesterday's Children, and when I found out it was based on a true story, that only made me feel worse.

So anyway back to today. I left the baby section, and went across to the ladies clothing. I looked at some gym clothes, and reminded myself that I have to get fit again, as I know when I am fit, my emotional and mental state is good. And I really really want to be happy this Christmas.

Then I went across to the book section, and I can easily stand for an hour looking at books. I came across this book, Small Miracles and had read half of it while standing there, so I thought I'd had better buy it, so I am reading it atm and it is really helping me.

I am thinking of becoming involved with the Bonnie Babes Foundation as a way of healing myself, and at the same time helping others. I did look into it before but didn't go any further. Perhaps, now, the time is right..

Always wondering....

The Hubbster and I spent the afternoon sitting in the front doorway of The Money Pit, in the sunshine, watching the kids ride the quad bike and their pushbikes. They spent the entire day outside building bike jumps while we discussed bathroom fitouts.

We have decided on the layout of the bathrooms so that is one thing out of the way. We have decided after the events of the last few months that we will fasttrack our house build as we (I) am desperate to get it finished and move in.

I promise to get to your blogs when I can. We have had crappy internet connection all weekend, that I shall be dealing with tommorrow (watch out internet provider).

There have been two things on my mind during the last couple of days. I can't seem to stop thinking of them, and unfortunately I will never know the answers.

The first one is that I will never know why my baby's heart stopped beating. We saw the heartbeat @ 6 weeks, then @ 9 weeks, there was no heartbeat. I will always wonder why my baby died, why the little heart stopped, and what exactly caused it to happen.

I did everything I could to make sure this one would stick.

The second thing is that I am wondering at what stage a baby (my baby) can think. I must google this to find out. @ 8, 9 or 10 weeks, could my baby think, did my baby know that he (or she) was alive?

Did my baby know how much I adored him (or her) even during these early weeks?

This really makes my heart break.

Good Therapy

Warning: the following post could be upsetting to some readers.

I'm feeling okay today. I've only cried once so that's a good start. Little things trigger me off but I'll learn to keep that under control.

At the moment, I don't feel the desire to punch every pregnant woman I see, not unlike Wednesday (after coming out of a scan to find out if any "products of conception" remained, only to be confronted with a woman with her own products of conception sitting proudly under her shirt...)

Or yesterday, while visiting my doctor to make sure I didn't have to go to hospital, and having to sit across from a woman whom I honestly thought would birth there and then on the floor. I hated her. I don't know her, or her history but I can hate her for just a while.

I did get over these feelings three years ago, and now I feel like I have rewinded back to then and now I have to get over it all again. I could easily, easily become obsessed again. So easily it scares me. But I won't allow this to happen.

I know that time heals, and I have actually been reading alot of infertility forums and the stories there are so sad but they make me feel so blessed to have my little family. Couples that have been trying for 5 or 8 or even 16 years, have failure after failure, multiple miscarriages only to come home to empty arms.

I needed and I craved my children this week, I couldn't wait for them to gallop from the car, after The Hubbster collected them from school. They ran noisily to me, with hugs and kisses then they started fighting so I knew things were back to normal. And I liked it!

So my dilemma today was what to do with my little one, who thankfully passed intact, and who has been stored in the back of my fridge since yesterday. Gross to some people, but to others who have lost babies, completely understandable. We named our baby @ 6 weeks when we saw the heartbeat....but the name will never pass our lips.

I cannot just flush a part of me down the toilet, and as I am in need of some good therapy, alcohol (after 7 months of sobriety) and healing, I decided to do this.


If The Money Pit and our garden had been finished, I would plant him (her) there..but I did something else and I buried him (her) in a big terracota pot, and planted a lovely shrub. Which incidently is called Little Boy Blue.

Miscarriage is a Dirty Word.

Well it's time for me to 'fess up.

This week I lost a baby. Or I had a miscarriage. Or my dream was shattered. Whichever way you say it, it's the same thing. This was my special project I was working on, which sadly won't be published now. Our little one was @ 10 weeks....

I wasn't going to blog about this, but since it is so much a part of me, how could I not? I've been through this many times before actually, but it is harder this time because we had given up trying for that elusive 4th baby, moved on, gotten over the "baby obsessive thing" and then bang out of the blue, we are at the starting line..again.

And it's even more difficult because this time we saw the little heartbeat. It's heartbreaking, really, but I'm not going to whine and whinge and write about my world falling apart (how could I even think that when I have 3 beautiful babes who love me).....

It's more like my world has been kicked and dented, and only time will inflate that dent to be whole again. It's been a very traumatic week, emotionally and physically, and I can honestly say at one point my bathroom looked like a murder scene....well sarcasm is all I have left....as I am spent.

Thankfully I should (will) recover on my own and go on to be chastised, frustrated and loved by my 3 babes who I love so much it hurts.

I'm back..finally

I'm back. I hope you missed me. I was off line for longer than I had planned.

In that time, various spam comments kept my blog going, so thanks heaps for those. Whoever you are!

The reason I have been away, is not a happy one. It had to do with my new project, that sadly won't be taking place now. I don't want to go any further, as I don't want my blog to turn into some whiney, woe is me rant.

But if you would like to know what happened, just email me and I'll fill you in...I'll maybe share it on here one day, but it's just too raw to do so just yet.

So back to business. We had a good holiday. It was freezing and I spent alot of the time in front of the heater in my dressing gown and slippers (for Gods sake, how old am I?)

The kids were good in the car, it was a 2/3 day trip one way so we had dvds and cds to keep them occupied.

Although the behaviour in the motels was a different matter.....I honestly thought we would get a knock on the door and a invitation to "take your feral, noisy animals (kids) outa here immediately"...

They just go crazy when we stay in motels...they like to jump on the beds and tear around. Not unlike being at home really.

We spent a day in Canberra, and froze our bits off...it was so cold there. We went to the Australian War Memorial and of course my camera batteries were flat so I couldn't take any photos.

Except for one, and all I asked the kids was to pose for a really nice photo in front of a very important building.

And this is what I got:-