Today....

Today I am 97 days alcohol free.

Today I remembered my little beagle Girlie who left us 1 year ago today. Hopefully she is chewing her way through lots of shoes with her sister Toto...

Today I took the kids along to see the new movie How to Train Your Dragon. Miss D tipped half her popcorn onto the floor and I remembered how much I love dragons and the fantasy world. Look out for an upcoming post about one of my favourite movies called Dragonworld.....

Today Miss D (aged 9) asked me to tell her the truth about the Easter Bunny....I did, and I'm sad about it. She does, however still believe in Santa Claus, or so she says....

Today I discovered this most amazing artist - Yiruma. This piece almost makes me cry....

End of the beagle era

I wanted to dedicate a post to my beagle Toto, just like I did for her sister Girlie. It's been a very hard couple of weeks without her, but I am at peace with the fact that it may have been her time and she took the opportunity to have one last run.

The story of our beagles began 15 years ago when The Hubbster and I were on a driving holiday to the coast. We had been thinking of buying a beagle for a long time, and thought it was meant to be when we drove past a house with a sign saying "Beagles for sale".

We stopped. We looked and hugged the puppies and drove away. We turned back without saying a word and bought two puppies. They were 5 weeks old, too young to be away from their mumma but we were willing to give them a good home so we took two little sisters.

We got them home and had to go and buy supplies like food, bedding, puppy toys and worm tablets as they were full of worms. They were gorgeous, and funny and vulnerable.

They had a fantastic life. They liked to:-

Eat icecream.

Play with my potted plants, and eat the wall.

Check out the neighbours.

Go camping.

And driving. Look closely.

And swimming.

And they really liked to wreck the yard.

They also ate some of our wedding cake and swallowed The Hubbsters grandmothers wedding rings that were given to me on our wedding day. But I loved them to bits and miss them more than words can say.

Thankyou Girlie and Toto for being loyal, loving, mischievious little beagles. You gave us many happy moments in your 15 years.

Life goes on

So life goes on. We had a good day today, in town for shopping and fish and chips with the kids for lunch. Then back home to a beagleless shed. I put Totos photo and info on the local council website for lost dogs, and I can hardly even look at it. I've also had alot of friends thinking of me and that helps alot.

We have ballet practice tommorrow, so it's back into town again. I'm also trying to find the bottom of the washing basket but just can't seem to find it. Is it exciting, does anyone know, or will it always be a mystery???

I don't like Mondays

I went to work for a few hours this morning. I didn't think about Toto and it was a relief not to. Back home now and I feel like my heart has been ripped out through my mouth, stomped on and shredded and put back in, expecting it to beat as it once did.

I rang the local council, the pound, the dog kennels, searched the lost dogs website, placed a sign in a shop window (knowing full well she wouldn't be found in town as we live so far out) and still nothing. Yesterday, I drove all over the neighbours 80 acres, down to the creek area where Toto loved to chase rabbits and kangaroos.

We drove on our property too, walked down the hill to our creek but still no sign of her. She could be anywhere. She could be just over the fenceline for all we know. And we may never know. I wonder, if in years to come, if we are out walking one day and find her collar, will I feel the pangs of sorrow that I feel so deeply right now?

It is so quiet here. I look for her when I walk past her kennel. We have full tin of dog biscuits that I don't know what to do with. We might leave them out each night for the strange little Potoroo who visits every night eating the guinea fowl seed we leave out.

If we could find Toto, we could bury her next to Girlie and plant a tree on her, as we did before. But I don't think that will happen. She hasn't been well, so I wonder did she take the chance to wander off to her final resting place? I need to believe that, because thinking about the alternatives is just too hard to bear.

She's not coming home

It is with a heavy heart and an overwhelming sadness that I now realise that Toto is possibly not coming home. I have cried all day, wishing that the Christmas Miracle would arrive here for us.

She should be home by now. Something has happened. We think she may have started her run, only to perhaps have a heart attack and pass away - as her heart was dodgy and as the vet said over 2 years ago "I can't believe this dog is still alive with a heart like that".

That's what I need to believe. I hope it happened Friday evening, and that she didn't suffer in the hot sun all day yesterday without any water. Fuck, I can't even contemplate that. Please God, I hope she didn't suffer.

She could be anywhere on our property, all 75 acres with alot of long grass. We will never find her, it will be a miracle if we do.

Where is Toto?

The Hubbster let Toto (our 15 year old Beagle) off the lead late yesterday afternoon, and she didn't come home last night. The few times she has wandered away, she has spent the night chasing rabbits and kangaroos and ventured back around midnight, exhausted but happy.

We woke this morning and she is not here. I'm worried. She is 15 years old and not too well. I worry about snakes biting her, or dingos attacking. We are going to drive around the property and look for her, but we didn't even hear her yelping last night, as she did when she was running around. It's very strange. I have a bad feeling about this.

I'm BACK

I'm a bad blogger. It's been over a week since I wrote, because I'm tired. So tired from working my new job. Essentially it's because I'm lazy. And now that I'm working, it's knocking the wind out of me because I'm tired. And lazy. I actually went to bed at 8.20pm last night, which even surprised me, as I am such a night owl.

I'll get into a routine. I suppose it's the time of year too, Christmas and birthdays and the crazy silly season. I have so much to do, I have a big list called "My To Do List" that I am trying to break down as I write.

But I must say that I am enjoying using that part of my brain, hidden away for the last 9 years in mother oblivion. I actually didn't even think of my kids from 10am to 2pm one day last week, because I was so engrossed in my work (sorry kids, mummy loves you). I am only working part time, and I totally take my many hats off to full time working mothers and appreciate what they are doing, because I couldn't do it.

So what else has been happening?? The baby guineas are growing fast and are nearly ready to be let out of the cage and free range with the others. And we have another missing guinea, so new babies are expected any day. We will literally have guinea fowl coming out our arses (or asses for my Americian friends). The Hubbster wants to sell the new babies, that we expect to arrive any day (and if they don't, we will say bye bye to the guinea that's been eaten by a snake/fox/hawk).

Of course, I want to keep the babies, and just have a big flock of guinea fowl on our farm. It's crazy here anyway, so whats ten more.

Toto our beagle turned 15 on Saturday. Happy birthday little one!

The kids are good. Swimming twice a day, which is great because it's so hot here, and the rain JUST WON'T COME. Damn those rain Gods, we need the rain. We topped up our tanks with bore water last week, so I'd really appreciate a cuppa tea without drinking the sludge in the bottom. Seriously.

The house is coming along fine. I have a draft with pics ready to post, and will do that hopefully tommorrow, when our internet hours are restored and I have some more energy. Don't give up on me, I will get to your fabulous blogs this week, I promise. Tired and lazy. That's me. Muah!

Toto at the vet

Off we went to the vet today. I had a urine sample from Toto and that was checked for stones or a bladder infection (crystals) and that came up clean.

The vet looked at the sample under the microscope and among the usual round blood cells, I saw clusters of cells all attached together - which is not good. These cells shouldn't be there.

This shows a growth somewhere in the lower abdominal region. The blood that she passes could be urine that flows over the growth and takes the blood with it - if that makes sense. So the growth could be any where from her bottom through to her tummy, or her bladder etc etc. It's hard to know and even harder to treat. I mean, we can't take her bladder out, as she would be fairly pissed off about having to walk around attached to a bag. Sorry sarcasm and humour is all I can muster right now.

So there is something there, and we kind of expected that as she is nearly 15 years old and these things happen. We have antibiotics and anti-inflamatory meds for her and that is the way we are going. Hopefully she will pass less blood and it will clear up and if it doesn't, her quality of life is what we will look at. And right now, she is having a ball, she is barking now and driving me crazy so things are how they should be.

I was thinking on the drive home about her quality of life, actually her life in general. She (and her sister) have had an amazing life. A loving family, a safe and happy environment, great experiences (the beagle drive of '95 really stands out) and even a trip on an aeroplane! They (and us) have been very fortunate.

I am so glad we stopped at the sign that read "Beagles for sale" so many years ago.

Toto is not well

I'm feeling a bit sick about this right now. It may be time to say goodbye to our beagle Toto. You may remember we lost her sister Girlie back in April. It was heartbreaking and you can read about it Here.

Toto will be 15 years old in November. She is actually quite happy, or so it seems, she can't tell me if she is in pain because I don't speak dog. We have been letting her off the lead each afternoon (which is very unusual for a beagle because they are not known for sticking around!) and she wanders around with the kids and often runs into the paddock and chases rabbits and kangaroos. Which is where she is now.

She is having the time of her life at the end of her life. So why am I even debating this with myself?

Because she is peeing blood. A few drops here and there, but tonight she was squatting on the grass and I saw a few drops of blood and not much else. She obviously has a big problem and she can't tell me, but this is not right. This is serious. I don't know what to do. The Hubbster is going away for 2 days and I know if I take her to the vet, he will say it's time. But I HAVE to take her, she could be in pain and not be able to tell me.

And I can't get my head around the fact that she is running around chasing wildlife as I type this and I am thinking of ending her life. I hate to say this but this is fucked. I hate this decision. She's my little dog. She's smart. She's trusting. She still eats her dinner and gets around.

She lays in the sunshine during the day, blissfully unaware of what I am thinking. She loves the kids, they rub her belly and she is in heaven. She comes back from chasing rabbits and is so tired she can hardly keep her eyes open.

I know this time would come, but to lose both of them so close together is really upseting. I can't imagine life without my beagles.


(We have a vet appointment at 9.30am tommorrow, we will see what happens then.)

Blog Fart Friday, well kind of

I have been a bit absent on the blogging scene recently. As one friend put it (not her own words) "Put the freakin vampire books down and do some blogging....girl". Yes I have been consumed with lust over the written word, oh I am also rewatching Trueblood. Again.

The other reason I have been slack about my blog is that we used up our allocated net hours and our speed slowed down to dial up. Which in itself is truly painful and not worth switching the damn machine on.

So I apologise to the blogs I follow for being absent, and I will check out whats been happening in your world post haste! I thought I would do a variation to Blog Fart Friday. This is when you can post little snippets about different things, without each having it's own post. Well I think that's what it means. And today is not Friday. Anyway I ramble, read on:-

* A pigeon has made us his new family. He arrived last week and is very tame, with blue and red tags on his legs. He is obviously a racing or a homing pigeon and I don't know what the hell the difference is. Only that he is very friendly and likes his morning bird seed in the same place.



* The Hubbster exploded something in the microwave last week, and guess who has to clean it? Yep, me the slave of the family...

* The builder just came out to show his wife around the property, and as always when we have visitors, the kids decide to run amok. Miss T (aged 4) ate the top off the brand new chocolate chip butter cake. Possibly after patting the dog. It was funny the first time she did this, but The Hubbster won't be amused when he gets home from work. It was his cake...

* I'm starting gym again this week. I began walking last week around the property as I want to be in some sort of shape for summer. I felt so good last year when I was a gym junkie, so I guess this popcorn I am shovelling into my mouth, and the hot chips I just ate for lunch will be the last..

* My sons football team won again yesterday. Still undefeated. The score was 14 to 0, and I really felt sorry for the little boys on the other team. If they could have scored a try or two it would have been wonderful. We kept cheering them on when they tackled our guys too, as they are only under 7's and it's all about being positive and having a go. My son scored his 5th try and did numerous big tackles. He is on fire this year...

* The chooks have started laying again. It musn't now be too cold for them to sit their bums on the hay.....

* Our beagle has taken to barking for no reason at 5pm each afternoon. So we let her off the lead because it is irritating and off she goes for the night. I get so worried that she will get lost/eaten by a dingo/bitten by a snake/won't come back, but there she is every morning snuggled in her warm bed. And she is so tired from chasing rabbits, she can barely open her eyes. She is having the time of her life, in the last days of her life.....

* Supernatural finishes tommorrow night, and I am a bit sad about that. It will give me more time to read/blog.....

* Our truck is in hospital. Kinda has something to do with the fact I boiled it dry a few weeks ago, something The Hubbster loves to tell his mates about. He doesn't, however, tell them that the reason it boiled dry was a split in the hose which caused massive water loss. It's a guy thing.

Marley and Me

This morning I sat at my kitchen table, with my tea and toast and tears streaming down my face. Like at eight o'clock in the morning. What gives? What catastrophe could have happened even before getting the kids off to school?

I had just finished reading this book.

I thought it a good time to finish off the last few chapters over breakfast. Bad idea. There I was, sobbing into my vegemite on toast, remembering back to April when we lost our beagle, Girlie. I still find it difficult to think of her.

I will probably watch the dvd of Marley and Me, on the weekend. Although, it stars Jennifer Aniston, who I find overated and slightly annoying. They should have cast Drew Barrymore. I adore her. I loved her in this. She is my favourite actress. I'll maybe need a wine, to get through the movie, it's supposed to be sad at the end. Which I already know.

To be thankful for..

I have been thinking lately of the people who are in my life, as permanent fixtures or the type who come and go but leave a lasting imprint on me. I probably don't say it enough, so here's a thank you to:- (the list may get silly, I'm in that kinda mood today...)

* my long suffering hubbster (you know who you are, and I'm not surprised you don't pack up and hide for 3 days during PMT time, ditto to the kids)

*my 3 energetic, noisy, funny, smart, sometimes annoying but mostly wonderful, normal kids - you guys made me a mother..

*my family, who I miss so much and wish I could see every day

*my inlaws - who welcomed me as a googly eyed 20 year old girlfriend to their only son. Who never made me feel uncomfortable when serving me breakfast after "spending the night". And who, whilst in charge of my late fathers will, made the most painful time of my life, just a little bit easier.

* my friends in realspace and cyberspace, from all areas of my life, you are very important to me. You know who you are, go on, give yourselves a pat on the back!

* the man who nearly hit me with his car yesterday.... for not hitting me with his car as I was crossing the road and not concentrating or looking left, right, left... I thought the hubbster (sitting in our car) was going to faint as it all unfolded...

* the helpful, cheery salesgirl in the bra shop who fitted me and sold me the most sexy strapless bra to wear under this hot dress for the races.

* the friendly girls in the newsagency here, who welcome us in every day without fail, and chat away to my kids making newspaper shopping so pleasant.

* the equally friendly local takeaway shop staff who make the best fish and chips and have made me enjoy crumbed fish again.

* my childrens teachers at school and kindy, for looking after my most valued treasures

* the parents of Antonio Banderas for the obvious.

* anyone involved in the series Supernatural for making me drool lustfully every Monday night.

* the talent gods who gave me the ability to dance and the determination to play guitar.

* my beagles for giving me so many years of love and devotion (and stress when they nearly ate the pedigree chickens next door *farmerswife shudders at the memory*)

* the man who waved me into the traffic line the other day, how courteous!

* the makers of childrens Panadol, colour free of course!

* my new blogging friends who send me comments! (oh farmerswife you can't say that,) and who read my blog. Seriously.

G is for ...

I got this from http://www.saviabella.com/, she has assigned me the letter "G" and I am to write down my 10 favourite things beginning with this letter. Great stuff!

1. Girlie

My beautiful beagle Girlie, who left us on the 2nd April 2009. She was loyal and good and smart and I miss her so much.

2. Guitar

Yes I have one and yes it's covered in dust! My fabulous inlaws bought me a Martinez cutaway acoustic/electric left handed guitar, for my birthday last year. Which happened to be the month after my awesome concert with Brandi Carlile. So she sowed the seed of music in my brain, I got the guitar, and since moving to the farm, it has sat idle and lonely. I have to start playing and learning again, but I am so busy with my life that I don't seem to have the time. Dammit, it's coming out this week!

3. Green

My favourite colour. The colour that relaxes and inspires me. And it will be the colour of my new house and my bedroom. Not bright green that makes you gag, but just the right shade to suit.

I love peridot and malachite in jewellery, and also aventurine which I wore constantly during my holiday in America because it promotes safety and good adventures whilst travelling.

4. Good Sleep

This, I don't get enough of and it's my own fault. I am a night owl. Once the kids are settled and snuggled in bed, I should go too and get my good sleep but instead I watch tv, surf the net, write on my new blog! chat to friends online, watch dvds the list goes on. But I need to relax after busy days with the kids, hubbster and farmlife and this is what relaxes me.

Until the next morning when I wake up feeling groggy and cranky and unorganised. If, however I do have an early night which would be going to bed at 9.00pm, I feel better the next day. Tonight I think I will curl up with my new book Marley and Me and see if that makes a difference.

5. Garden

I love flowers and gardens, but I have this ability to kill off anything I plant. Doesn't matter if it's a flower in a pot or a palm tree in the ground, their lifespan is limited. Now I think my problem is time, again, I am so busy that the garden is the least of my concerns, because once the plants are in, I water them, but I don't ATTEND to them. You know, mulching, fertilising, pruning etc.

Now my mother is a true green thumb. Even under the tightest water restrictions in her town, her garden was the most beautiful in the street. So many flowers and bushes all different colours. She loves to "potter in the garden" and dammit, I want to potter in my own garden, and actually I want to grow some vegetables too, just easy ones to begin with.

It's very difficult right now because we don't even have a house, so we can't really put a garden in. But I really should make the time to replant some flowers in my terracota pots, and maybe even some herbs. Whoa I'm getting way ahead of my self. One step at a time, I should just make sure I keep watering Girlies poinciana tree, which in fact I HAVE been doing!

6. God I can dance

I did ballroom and latin dancing for several years when I was younger, and I always regret not taking it further. My partner at the time gave dancing away, and I lost interest, instead focusing more on being a teenager and chasing boys.

I represented my state in latin dancing and up until last year I loved my Tuesday night latin dance class, when some friends and I would salsa and cha cha our way to fitness. I am hoping the class restarts soon, as I find it so relaxing and invigorating.

7. Guilt (motherguilt)

I have this in spades. I always wanted to be a mother, the perfect mother actually. I would never yell, or smack, my child would sleep through the night and be super well behaved. I would stay at home all day baking delicious snacks whilst my cherub babe ga ga'ed on the playmat.

I actually can remember the exact time I decided that all I ever wanted to be was be a wife and mother. It was in grade 7 in high school, so I was perhaps 13 or 14 yrs old. I was outside in the sunshine, and I thought to myself "I can't wait to be a mum and a stay at home one at that". The memory is very clear to me.

So when it happened, it actually wasn't all roses at all. Sleepless nights, a baby with reflux who was very unsettled in the beginning, and feelings that I wasn't the perfect mother crept in. It was damn hard work, such a big responsibility. Why wasn't it all like my daydreams?

My mother guilt came from comparing myself to other mums, are they doing a better job than I am. Are their children better dressed or better behaved than mine are. What the fuck am I doing wrong, and what the hell am I comparing myself to other mothers for??

I am learning to accept that parenting is hard work and that actually I am doing a mighty fine job. My kids are sometimes well behaved, we can all go out to dinner without being in the news the next day, they are usually dressed appropriately (except Miss T who doesn't like to wear knickers) and they are healthy and happy. And funny and smart. I am really really blessed.

8. Grey Hairs

I found my first grey hair when pregnant with my first child. Now you'd think I would get one per child, which means I should have 3 grey hairs, but nooooooo, they are coming at a rate that sends me to the hairdresser every 6 to 8 weeks. I am sure it's from stress, I just blame the children! I remember when I had beautiful, long brown silky hair, nowadays I have to work on getting my hair looking neat. I'm sure age has something to do with it. I'll stop right there.

9. Ghoulish things

I love vampires, zombies and werewolves all in book or movie form. I love a scary movie, if I have my hands over my eyes I know it is a good one. I'm not into the slasher genre,where the cheerleader goes running through the forest, falls over then blah blah blah, but more clever horror such as 28 days later, 28 weeks later, 30 Days of Night, Shaun of the Dead (comedy plus!) but my favourite movie has to be From Dusk Til Dawn. Just a riot really.

10. I am Grateful for:

* my wonderful, patient long suffering hubbster
* my 3 blue eyed, beautiful, smart, energetic, frustrating children
* being part of a family
* having the chance to love two little beagles
* being a stay at home mum for now
* the chance to build our dream home
* having friends who care about me
* living on this farm and the warm sunshine on my face
* being healthy
* the rainy weekend mornings when I can snuggle in my bed and sleep in

Life goes on.

So it's been a few days since our little beagle left us. I have moments of clarity when I know it's for the best, and I actually feel okay. Then it's like "fuck it, I miss her, why can't she be here, happy, healthy and chewing on things like she used to. I feed the chooks everyday and water Girlies tree, and chat to her. It's all a bit sad, really.

But life goes on. Our other beagle Toto was awake the other night crying, panting and acting in an agitated state. I just wonder does she realise her sister is gone. Not that they really were together in the end. Old age and general crankiness had set in between them so we kept them apart mostly. They did, however lay together in the sun most days.

Right, the house. Or the faceless house. We are really moving forward and getting oh so excited. We have decided on the floor plan, our guy will be plotting the windows and french doors this week, then the walls will go in. All on computer of course. With a push of a button amazing things happen. A wall is removed, the shape of a room is changed, computers have made things so much easier. Our guy still works on a drafting board, which I kinda like. Old school if you will.

I really like him. He knows what he is doing and I am confident we are headed in the right direction. The hubbster brings home the printed plan and studies it for hours. I need to find a builder. We want the frame up by the end of winter. Time is ticking away.

Pic of the Day

Girlie and the Guineas

The Life and Times of Girlie

I can hardly see the screen through my tears. I have an overwhelming ache in my belly that is making me feel sick. I am just so sad.

Today we had to put our little beagle dog to sleep. Girlie. She and her sister Toto are 14.5 years old. A good innings, some would say. It doesn't really make it any easier today. It was time. Girlie was losing her balance and falling over and hurting her little nose and mouth. Her spirit had gone. She wasn't making a sound, no barking, or crying. She never complained but she was in pain.

I can't imagine not having her around. Each time I see something that reminds me of her, like her lead attached to the fence where she layed in the sun yesterday, I feel this ache again. Some say she is only a dog, but she was my baby before my children were born. We bought her home when she was 5 weeks old, the cutest puppy with the long beagle ears.

Girlie and Toto had their share of mischief over the years. Things that come to mind and make me smile - just a bit are:-


1 The day before our wedding, these two bad beagles ate the hubbsters late grandmothers wedding and engagement rings. We had to wait, then to "find them".

2 The day after our wedding, they both came in and helped themselves to the wedding cake. The bottom tier had paw scratch marks all over it.

3 As puppies, we came home from work one day to find all my potplants completely destroyed and the plant racks, and stucco from the walls - chewed.

4 All my work high heeled shoes were chewed beyond recognition, frequently.

5 We went on a beagle hunt one day on a farm with numerous pure bred beagles chasing rabbits and foxes. As ours were of the "cheaper" variety, they led the chase all the way and left the other purebreds in their wake.

6We took them both to puppy pre school and were told that they were "neurotic"

We just buried her and planted a poinciana tree ontop of her. She had one where we lived before moving to the farm. The kids did goodbye notes and pictures and we put those in with her.

These two bold beagles had their share of good times. Camping, fishing in the boat, exploring islands, farms and beaches. Chasing rabbits and foxes in the paddocks years ago. Swimming across the river to explore the rocks. Laying in the sunshine on our farm. Being totally and utterly spoilt rotten. They have even been in an airplane. Their life has been good. I wonder does Toto understand what has happened? She is not in the best of health, but she seems still happy and "with it". I suppose her day will come too, and we will go through this again.

People always identified the hubbster and I as "oh you have those two beagles". It almost seems like the end of an era. I feel lost and part of me is missing now.

Enough of morbid. I celebrate her life, Girlie 28/11/94 - 2/4/09.